Man, she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Meaner than a dog pooping carpet tacks.

"His elevator don't get out of the basement"
"Uglier than a buck magot in a dead coyote skull"

Dad use to say after pass'n gas: "Boy that works so much better since I got my mud flaps fixed"

"Your so dumb your teeth itch"
"I got it covered like a fat lady on a toilet bowl"
"That's like the bull frog calling the catfish a big mouth"

Who's got the signature line "mean as nails?" I don't know how nails can be mean but that's funny right there.

My favorite poker saying after winning a hand,
"Yee doggie! Even a garbage can gets a T-bone every now n then"

Hotter than a freshed f'd fox in a forest fire.
Colder than a wiches teat in a brass bra.
Tighter than two coats of paint.

Never understood this one but use/hear it all the time...It might be a Pennsylvania thing:

"________ than Tobey's Azz".

Cain't fix stupid.

raining like a cow pizzin on a flat rock

his mama shoulda kept the after birth and thrown his butt out

pretty to him would be bowties on a dogs rear

Slower than molasses going up hill in the middle of January.
He's as crooked as a dogs hind leg.
Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn inside the barn with a canon.

Even a blind hog finds an acorn evey now and then.
Why does somebody always have to poop in the chocolate pudding?
Eagles may soar, but woodchucks dont get sucked through jet engines.
The guys like a hoot owl, the more light you shine on him the less he sees.

like that one.......

He spent most of his money on women, whiskey, and horses...... The rest he just wasted....

A true story. A fella said to a young law enforcement officer after being pulled over for speeding. Are you gonna stand there or right that thing. " I was speeding when you couldn't even pizz hard on the ground."

That dummy wouldn't know bee crap from honey. Yes sir, I am as serious as pecker cancer.

If brains were gasoline....you wouldn't have enough to put in an ants motorcycle to go half way around a BB.

Tight as a coconut in a monkey's butt....

He's so tight it'd take a 10lb sledge to drive a flax seed up his arse.

How long would that take?About as long as it takes a british bulldog eating french safes to shite a 4 ply radial tire.

Grinnin like a mule in a huckleberry patch....

His butt was puckered so tight you couldn't have drove a hat pin up it with a sledgehammer.