TRUE STORY. I went to Walmart today for cat treats, they were out of human food. As I stood in line some lady made a smart#@$ remark to me for coming to the store just for cat treats. I told the lady I had to fatten up my cats before I eat them because all you $%#holes are hoarding the food. Her little girl started crying. I didn't even feel bad. Next time mind your business.

Great joke lol.

Nice thread.

A man was telling his neighbor lady he was going to New York City. She said, "While you're there, do me a favor. Look up my son and tell him to give me a call. He hasn't called me in a long time and I'm worried about him."

The man said, 'What's your son's name?"

She replied, "John Dunn."

He said, "I'll do it."

He was walking down the street in New York City and saw a building that read, DUNN AND BRADSTREET. So, he went in. He asked the receptionist, "Do you have a John?"

The receptionist said, "The second door to the right."

He went in the second door and met a man coming out. He asked the man, "Are you Dunn?"

The man said, "Yes, I am."

He said, "Call your mother. She's worried about you."

A mugger was frisking a old lady in he park ad asked, "Do you have any money on you?"

She said, "No, but if you frisk me again, I could write you a check!"

She was only a whiskey maker but he loved her still.

Whud the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam!

“How do you top a car?”
I don’t know
“Tap the brake Tupid”

A lady wanted to carry her white poodle on the plane, but was told the dog had to ride in the cargo section. When she reached her destination, the baggage boy noticed her dog was dead.

The baggage boy called a pet store and asked if they had a white poodle. The pet store clerk said, "Yes."

The baggage boy hurried over and bought the poodle, brought it back, took the little collar off her dog, put it on the new dog and stuck it in the cage.

When the woman reached the baggage area she said, "This isn't my dog!"

The baggage boy said, "Yes, this is your dog....your white poodle! See, it's got your little collar on it!"

She said, "It's NOT my dog! My dog died! I was taking it home to bury it!"

There is a house on a hill with 'ladies of the evening'

There is one guy going up the hill
One guy in the house
One guy coming down the hill

Name their nationalities...........







A- The guy going up the hill is Russian
The guy coming down the hill is Finnish
The guy in the house is Himalayan

WHY is Peter Pan green?
You'd turn green too if someone hit you in the Peter with a pan

Why are fire trucks red?
You'd turn red if someone pulled your hose!

Have a great day guys?

A guy goes to see a Psychologist because he is very concerned that he is turning into a dog. He explains his problem after entering the doctors office. The doctor replies, " Why don't you jump up on the couch and we'll talk about." The man replies, "I'm not allowed on the couch "

There was an old bull and a young bull standing on a hill looking over a large group of cows. Never mind !!!

The farmer's bull wasn't paying any attention to the cows, which concerned the farmer. He called the veterinarian and told him his problem.

The vet said, "Come by the office. I have some pills that will help your bull."

The farmer picked up the pills and gave some to the bull. In no time at all, the bull was chasing every cow in the pasture.

A neighbor heard about the farmer's bull and the pills and the results. He asked the farmer, "What kind of pills are they?"

The farmer said, "I don't know what kind they are, but they taste a lot like peppermint."

Grandpa went to the doctor complaining about his ear bothering him.
The doctor checked him over and found a suppository in his ear.
Grandpa picked up the phone, called Grandma and said, "Don't bother looking for my hearing aid. I think I know where it's at!"

Ole's big prize bull had suddenly gone cross eye couldn't see to mount any cows.. Him and Sven were trying to figure how to get the bulls eyes straightened out. They quickly realized just had to call the vet they couldn't figure it out..
So the old farm vet comes out looks the bull over sure enough eyes are crossed..
Vet says yepper I know how to fix this but going to be expensive..Got charge $100.00.. Ole says well he is my prize bull so go ahead and fix him..
Vet reaches in his black bag pulls out a length hose and slides it up the bulls butt.. Puts his mouth on the end of hose and blows big hard puff into it.. Sure enough the bulls eye's popped and uncrossed.. Vet pulls the hose out and the bull runs right down the pasture mounts a cow..
Ole says Wow that was amazing and pays the Vet.
Month or so goes by and Sven stops at Ole's. Say hey Ole coming down road just now I see that prize bull your wandering kind a funny in pasture.. So Ole and Sven go down the pasture sure enough bulls wandering around with his eyes crossed again..Ole says I'm not paying that old vet $100.00 come back out here fix this. I can do it my self this time. So he goes to his shop gets him piece a hose..
He carefully slides it up the bulls butt. then he gave a puff.. Nothing bulls eye still are crossed. He give it yet another big puff bulls eye never move..
Sven watching this say hey Ole.. I seen what the vet did last time let me give it a try. Ole say go ahead give it a try....
Sven pulls the hose out the bulls butt turns it around carefully slide in back in..Give it a big puff nothing bulls eyes still crossed. Ole say Now why did you do it that was same what did? Sven said I didn't want get your germs..


Mac

A couple for the kids;

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Amos
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Andy
Andy who?
Andy bit me again.

One for the “older” kids;

A man finds a rabbit in his refrigerator and asks the rabbit “what are you doing in there?”

The rabbit replied “This is a Westinghouse isn’t it?”

Smith climbed to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asked the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replied, "A minute."
Smith asked, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replied, "A penny."
Smith asked, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replied, "In a minute."

Here’s one for ya