SALEM, OR—To prepare for the influx of Thanksgiving rulebreakers, Oregon Governor Kate Brown has ordered all drug dealers to be freed from prison to make room for all the families who violate COVID restrictions.


"Drugs are legal now anyway," said Governor Brown. "I hereby pardon all drug offenders currently doing time in Oregon prisons. I can do that, right? Whatever -- I'm doing it. The real menaces to society are the families who try to gather with their loved ones to share food and give thanks. These violent science-deniers must be stopped!"

According to sources, Oregon State Police have been ordered to go door to door and round up all families trying to celebrate Thanksgiving. Any person or persons not found alone on a couch crying into a clamshell container of take-out food will be arrested on the spot.

Governor Brown has assured the public that this zero-tolerance policy will do something "very important and science-y" to stop the spread of bad sicknesses.

"Losing Thanksgiving isn't a huge loss anyway," said Governor Brown. "Thankfulness makes people feel content which can inhibit social progress. We can't have that! If we're lucky we'll find a reason to cancel it next year too!"

where did you get this imfo

Although it does sound exactly like something she would do -- this is the first i've heard of it, guess i'm just going to have to cook a bigger turkey for all the state troopers that are going to show up.

Babylon B maybe?

I'm sure they made up this article because dear old Kate was trying to encourage neighbors to turn in neighbors. Several of the local cities and counties police departments said that they wouldn't respond those calls.

2020. The line between satire and reality has become so blurred you can't ever be sure anymore.

The beezoe won't see any compliance from those who think for themselves

Plenty of sheep in her flock to keep her feeling important though

I will be handling out free coke for donations.....

Which sort of coke are you talking about?