Henny Youngman (for us older gents) and Rodney were the king of one-liners. Here's a few:

"I went to a rough school. Each day when you went, they checked you for weapons and gave you one if you didn't have one."

"I joined a health club with a sign that said, if you don't look better in 10 days, we'll give you your money back. I handed her a check and she said I might as well keep it, we're gonna be mailing it back anyway."

"When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my dad used to take me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade."

"My folks ran a diner growing up. The food was so bad, they hung a sign on the door that said, "Sorry, we're open."

"When I was a kid and played in the sandbox, our cat kept trying to cover me up."

"I told my psychologist, everyone hates me! He said that was ridiculous! Everyone hasn't met you."

" I went to my doctor who told me I was fat. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, OK, and you're ugly too!"

"All the way to age 15, I always thought my name was "While you're up."

"When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot. But, I always found them."

Hey baby, you want to make 17 dollars the hard way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Many years ago, my wife and I were in Las Vegas. We saw Henny Youngman. He was in his 80s at the time.
He said, "The other night I'm standing on the corner.

A prostitute came up to me and says, "For $100 I'll do anything you want."

I says, "OK. Paint my house!"

He was going in the hospital for a serious operation. small press conference he said

If all goes well I will be out of the hospital in a couple of weeks.
If things dont go well I will be out tomorrow.

He was out the following day

The grave yard is that way. 1980 cady shack

Take my wife

Please!

My wife’s such a bad cook, now tell me the truth, does toast have bones?
My wife’s such a bad cook, all the flys chipped in to get the screen door fixed.
And she’s so slow, it takes her an hr and a half, to watch 60 minutes.
RIP sir Rodney!!!!

I'd forgotten how funny ol' Rodney was. Now I'll have to find some old video.

Love his movies, his death was a great loss to the comedic world.

Loved old Rodney and Henny Youngman. that was real comedy, not like the crap most are today.

Garry-

"So I called up this girl... She said, come on over there's nobody home... I went over... There was nobody home"

Mike

I could tell that my parents hated me my bath toys where a toaster and a radio.

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

Those are great. The screen door one is funny stuff!!

What, are you kidding me! I know my wife is cheating on me, why everytime I come home, the parrot says quick! Out the window! Lol

When my daughter was at UCLA medical she was his nurse. She said him and his family were the nicest people. She got an invitation to his funeral , it had the signature red tie on it.

My wife is so buck toothed she can eat peanuts out of a soda bottle.
My wife is so slow, she has to speed up to stop! Once I had to set stakes to see if she was moving.

As a kid I was so ugly when I cried the tears ran down the back of my head.
As a kid I was so ugly I had to sneak up on a glass of water.
As a kid I was so ugly they had to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

Nice!

We were so poor when I was a kid, it was a good thing I was born a boy or I'd wouldn't have had anything to play with..

“My wife was afraid of the dark…then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” –

“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.”

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”

“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.”

“My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”

“I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.”

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

“My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.”

“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

WS

The last time I seen a mouth like that it had a hook in it

Our family has a new eating habit. My wife got a pressure cooker, now we eat off the ceiling.

I had a girl friend so skinny, she had to run around in the shower to get wet.

My girl friend was so skinny she had to wear snowshoes in the shower to keep from falling down the drain.

My girl friend was so skinny, she could disappear by turning sideways.

He had some real good ones

keep 'um coming

Thanks for posting. “Easy Money”

Hey Doc...what can you do for my yellow teeth....wear a brown neck tie

Thanks guys i forgot what real comedy was till now

My school was tough. The teacher asked what comes after a sentence. The student said an appeal.

When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.

I have no sex life. My wife cut me down to once a week. Im lucky though, two guys she cut out completely.

Don't give me a vacation for being political please. "I don't get no respect, the way my luck is running if I was a politician I'd be honest."

"I'm getting so old the insurance company sends me half a calendar,"

"I was so ugly my mom fed me with a slingshot."

.

Rodney going to Hospital had a press conference

Going in for a procedure, If all goes well I will be out in a couple of weeks.
If thins dont go well, I will be out tomorrow.

Things did not go well.
RIP Rodney