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Re: I've never met James. [Re: mink44] #7367058
09/29/21 05:23 AM
09/29/21 05:23 AM
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 219
KY
L
learch Offline
trapper
learch  Offline
trapper
L

Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 219
KY
Originally Posted by mink44
Why do lawyers wear neck ties?



To keep their foreskin out of their face.


That’s a good one and the best so far. 🤣

Re: I've never met James. [Re: white dog] #7367068
09/29/21 05:45 AM
09/29/21 05:45 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 10,275
Greene County,Virginia
R
run Offline
trapper
run  Offline
trapper
R

Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 10,275
Greene County,Virginia
I like James's lawyer joke pretty good.


wanna be goat farmer.
Re: I've never met James. [Re: run] #7367240
09/29/21 09:51 AM
09/29/21 09:51 AM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 8,953
East-Central Wisconsin
B
bblwi Offline
trapper
bblwi  Offline
trapper
B

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 8,953
East-Central Wisconsin
I don't know any "good" lawyer jokes, but the fact that we have such a huge legal system in this country probably says more about our society and culture than the attorneys and lawyers and the legal sector. The need and use of lawyers to me speaks more about how our culture functions then how good or bad lawyers are. Also under the bill or rights we are all entitled to prove our innocence even if we don't have the funds to pay for the legal services.
The legal system is also not the only sector that argues either side of the coin. I have sold enough fur or worked with enough agents and commission reps to know that.

Bryce

Re: I've never met James. [Re: James] #7367261
09/29/21 10:21 AM
09/29/21 10:21 AM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,758
Tug Hill, NY
Redknot Offline
trapper
Redknot  Offline
trapper

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 1,758
Tug Hill, NY
Originally Posted by James
There's a shipwreck, and a group of survivors find themselves in a life raft in the middle of the Pacific.

A short distance away bobs another life raft, empty of people, but full of provisions: food, freshwater, and a two-way radio on which they can call for rescue. But between the two rafts is a school of hungry great white sharks.

Among the passengers on the first raft is a Catholic priest. Clutching a rosary, he says to the captain, "Don't worry. I'll get the other raft. The good Lord will protect me!" He dives into the water and swims only a few strokes before he's eaten alive.

Another man, a Baptist minister, steps forward. "Never fear! I'll put my faith in Jesus to protect me!" Swims halfway to the other raft when the sharks tear him to pieces.

A third voice is heard above the clamoring passengers. "I'll get it." A man in a three-piece suit dives in and, with an effortless sidestroke, swims to the other raft, grabs a bowline, puts the line between his teeth, then does a lazy backstroke to the first raft, towing the raft full of provisions.

"That's astonishing!" the captain says.

"Well, you see," the man in the suit says, climbing back aboard, "I'm a lawyer."

"But why did the sharks leave you alone?"

"Professional courtesy."


Jim






Well done Jim, well done indeed!


~Illegitimi Non Carborundum~
Re: I've never met James. [Re: James] #7367668
09/29/21 09:04 PM
09/29/21 09:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 5,695
Virginia
5
52Carl Offline
trapper
52Carl  Offline
trapper
5

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 5,695
Virginia
Originally Posted by James
There's a shipwreck, and a group of survivors find themselves in a life raft in the middle of the Pacific.

A short distance away bobs another life raft, empty of people, but full of provisions: food, freshwater, and a two-way radio on which they can call for rescue. But between the two rafts is a school of hungry great white sharks.

Among the passengers on the first raft is a Catholic priest. Clutching a rosary, he says to the captain, "Don't worry. I'll get the other raft. The good Lord will protect me!" He dives into the water and swims only a few strokes before he's eaten alive.

Another man, a Baptist minister, steps forward. "Never fear! I'll put my faith in Jesus to protect me!" Swims halfway to the other raft when the sharks tear him to pieces.

A third voice is heard above the clamoring passengers. "I'll get it." A man in a three-piece suit dives in and, with an effortless sidestroke, swims to the other raft, grabs a bowline, puts the line between his teeth, then does a lazy backstroke to the first raft, towing the raft full of provisions.

"That's astonishing!" the captain says.

"Well, you see," the man in the suit says, climbing back aboard, "I'm a lawyer."

"But why did the sharks leave you alone?"

"Professional courtesy."


Jim




Man, you lawyers sure do like to talk a lot. That joke was like having someone ask you to come along with them on a 4 mile walk just to look at a dog turd.
Not enough money to be made in comedy I reckon. smile

Re: I've never met James. [Re: yotetrapper30] #7367671
09/29/21 09:09 PM
09/29/21 09:09 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 5,695
Virginia
5
52Carl Offline
trapper
52Carl  Offline
trapper
5

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 5,695
Virginia
Originally Posted by yotetrapper30
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you did not give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um, no.”
The lawyer interrupts, “Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
“Or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea.”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

smile I just spit all over the place after choking on it for a minute.

Re: I've never met James. [Re: white dog] #7367683
09/29/21 09:29 PM
09/29/21 09:29 PM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,201
alaska
3
3 Fingers Offline
trapper
3 Fingers  Offline
trapper
3

Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,201
alaska
How many lawyer jokes are there ?

Re: I've never met James. [Re: 3 Fingers] #7367684
09/29/21 09:29 PM
09/29/21 09:29 PM
Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,201
alaska
3
3 Fingers Offline
trapper
3 Fingers  Offline
trapper
3

Joined: Aug 2008
Posts: 1,201
alaska
Originally Posted by 3 Fingers
How many lawyer jokes are there ?

Three. All the rest are true stories.

Re: I've never met James. [Re: 3 Fingers] #7367692
09/29/21 09:43 PM
09/29/21 09:43 PM
Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,485
AK
W
white dog Offline OP
trapper
white dog  Offline OP
trapper
W

Joined: Mar 2012
Posts: 3,485
AK
Originally Posted by 3 Fingers
Originally Posted by 3 Fingers
How many lawyer jokes are there ?

Three. All the rest are true stories.


Lol




Re: I've never met James. [Re: white dog] #7367700
09/29/21 09:57 PM
09/29/21 09:57 PM
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 11,838
Iowa
~ADC~ Offline
The Count
~ADC~  Offline
The Count

Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 11,838
Iowa
I hear animal testing labs are replacing lab rats with lawyers because there are some things a rat just won't do.

Re: I've never met James. [Re: white dog] #7367765
09/30/21 01:30 AM
09/30/21 01:30 AM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 16,350
Anchorage, Alaska
J
James Offline
"Minka"
James  Offline
"Minka"
J

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 16,350
Anchorage, Alaska
The pope, a famous TV evangelist, and a lawyer all die at the same moment, and find themselves in the heavenly elevator together and getting off on the top floor.

Saint Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and looks up their names in his book.

"I have just the place for you sir," he says to the lawyer. "Your residence is on the hill over there." He points to a fabulous mansion on a hill.

Just then a parade arrives, and a group of celebrants pick the lawyer up and carry him off, trumpets blowing, people shouting and waving their arms.

"Oh, boy!" The pope whispers to the evangelist. "If they treat a lawyer this good, imagine what they have in store for us."

The evangelist laughs and nudges the pope in the ribs. "I wonder how many television sets I'll get in my mansion?"

Saint Peter says, "Gentlemen, I'll lead you to your abodes." There is no parade to welcome them. The people they pass on the streets don't greet them. Saint Peter leads them into poorer and poorer sections of Heaven, until they reach the slums. He points to a pair of filthy little hovels side by side, and says, "There is where you shall reside for eternity."

"But, but, but," says the pope.

Excuse me," the evangelist says. "There's obviously some mistake. This here is the pope, and me, I have people sending my ministry hundreds of thousands of dollars a month. That other guy got a mansion and a parade, and we get this?"

"No mistake," Saint Peter says. "Popes and evangelists are a dime a dozen up here in Heaven. But that guy was the first lawyer who ever made it."

Jim


Forum Infidel since 2001

"And that troll bs is something triggered snowflakes say when they dont like what someone posts." - Boco
Re: I've never met James. [Re: white dog] #7367773
09/30/21 03:53 AM
09/30/21 03:53 AM
Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 10,275
Greene County,Virginia
R
run Offline
trapper
run  Offline
trapper
R

Joined: Dec 2013
Posts: 10,275
Greene County,Virginia
Thanks, James.


wanna be goat farmer.
Re: I've never met James. [Re: white dog] #7367801
09/30/21 05:41 AM
09/30/21 05:41 AM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 6,227
Texas
Mark June Offline
trapper
Mark June  Offline
trapper

Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 6,227
Texas
James, grin I've gotta get to Anchorage and take y'all out for a burger and a brew


Dallas Theological Seminary
https://www.dts.edu
https://www.markjuneslures.com/
Predator Trapping Academy Host



Re: I've never met James. [Re: bblwi] #7367804
09/30/21 05:44 AM
09/30/21 05:44 AM
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 6,227
Texas
Mark June Offline
trapper
Mark June  Offline
trapper

Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 6,227
Texas
Originally Posted by bblwi
I don't know any "good" lawyer jokes, but the fact that we have such a huge legal system in this country probably says more about our society and culture than the attorneys and lawyers and the legal sector. The need and use of lawyers to me speaks more about how our culture functions then how good or bad lawyers are. Also under the bill or rights we are all entitled to prove our innocence even if we don't have the funds to pay for the legal services.
The legal system is also not the only sector that argues either side of the coin. I have sold enough fur or worked with enough agents and commission reps to know that.

Bryce


You know Bryce, the more I read your posts, the more I believe you've got a great trapper's bag set up.
You just seem to set on location quite often here on Tmanville and you really read sign well.

Lawyers? My pops is a retired attorney. Banctrupcy in the day is what he did.
Pops always said as soon as people start handling their financial affairs better, he'd be outta a job.
Pops was slam busy for 40+ years.

When do we start the "We the People" jokes? wink

Blessings,
Mark


Dallas Theological Seminary
https://www.dts.edu
https://www.markjuneslures.com/
Predator Trapping Academy Host



Re: I've never met James. [Re: James] #7368347
09/30/21 08:12 PM
09/30/21 08:12 PM
Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 5,695
Virginia
5
52Carl Offline
trapper
52Carl  Offline
trapper
5

Joined: Jan 2014
Posts: 5,695
Virginia
Originally Posted by James


"No mistake," Saint Peter says. "Popes and evangelists are a dime a dozen up here in Heaven. But that guy was the first lawyer who ever made it."

Jim



Good one Jim. It was a four mile walk, but that is not a dog turd. smile

Last edited by 52Carl; 09/30/21 08:14 PM.
Re: I've never met James. [Re: white dog] #7369281
10/01/21 09:20 PM
10/01/21 09:20 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 16,350
Anchorage, Alaska
J
James Offline
"Minka"
James  Offline
"Minka"
J

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 16,350
Anchorage, Alaska
I have to admit I embellished the jokes a bit from the versions I first heard. They could have been told in half as many words.

I'll try to recall another one.

Jim


Forum Infidel since 2001

"And that troll bs is something triggered snowflakes say when they dont like what someone posts." - Boco
Re: I've never met James. [Re: white dog] #7369301
10/01/21 09:55 PM
10/01/21 09:55 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 16,350
Anchorage, Alaska
J
James Offline
"Minka"
James  Offline
"Minka"
J

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 16,350
Anchorage, Alaska
An engineer dies and catches the elevator up to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter checks in his Book, gives a stern look to the engineer, and says, “Your name isn't here. Obviously, you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer takes the elevator all the way to the basement. He finds himself walking down a long, dark corridor. The air is much too hot and reeks of sulphur and sewage gas. At the end of the corridor are two gates leaking flames between their cracks. A small demon on a stool, throws open the gates, and says, "This way, sir," in a surly voice, and hops back up on his stool. The engineer hears the demon giggling behind him, then the gates clang shut.

Time passes, and the engineer grows dissatisfied with the level of comfort in (This word is unacceptable on Trapperman), and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, LED lighting, and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, “So, how’s it going down there in (This word is unacceptable on Trapperman)?”

Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, LED lighting, and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God says, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here--or I’ll sue!”

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”


Jim


Forum Infidel since 2001

"And that troll bs is something triggered snowflakes say when they dont like what someone posts." - Boco
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