Posted By: Hal
A James' Christmas. - 12/16/18 06:10 PM
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
He was plum out of luck,
You know who I’m talkin’ ‘bout,
James, and he sucks.
In holiday spirit
We find our explorer,
Not Frosty the Snowman,
But Frosty the Lawyer.
With visions of sugarplums
Mind gone a racin’
‘Twas dreaming of lawsuits,
And ambulance chasin’
‘Twas thinking ‘bout Christmas
and got kind of haughty
‘Twas thinkin’ about girls
who he thought might be naughty.
When what to his wondering
Eyes were betrayed
The wrath of the one –
“She Who Must be Obeyed.”
He was in trouble
It couldn’t be worse
From “She” who runs ‘round
With his nuts in her purse.
So Frosty bemoaned
He was stuck in a rut
With holiday icons
Of candy and nuts.
When out on the lawn,
The ground started to shake,
Looks like our Jimmy
Had caused an earth quake.
'Twas just ol’ Saint Nicholas
Landing his sleigh.
“Get off my lawn!”
I heard Frosty say.
“For crying out loud!
I’m bringing a present.
Put down that rifle
You half-witted peasant.”
That was the rifle
‘Twas told by the bard,
With which he killed moose
at o’er 600 yards.
He blew on his moose call
Rose from his wheel chair.
And shooting from offhand,
Had placed one “right there”.
As he points to the spot
Near his last moose’s head
Where the bullet had entered,
And rendered it dead.
But Frosty the Lawyer
Knew just what to do.
“Get off of my lawn,
Or else I will sue!”
He sprang to the court,
With a Habeas Corpus.
Then swam away quick,
Like the tail of a porpoise.
In the blink of an eye,
On that holiday Saint
Had served up an order,
A writ of restraint.
And kids ‘round the world
found their Christmas gifts short
‘Cause James had ol’ Santa Claus
Tied up in court.
Ol’ Frosty the lawyer
Put clutches on Christmas
Sure as a land bridge
Can be called an isthmus.
Ol’ Frosty the Lawyer
Had hardened his heart
Sure as the stink
On a buffalo fart.
The spirit of Christmas
Was just a big mess.
Which James could not find
Even with GPS.
So through the fog-vision
Of things run amuck,
James yells, “That you Santa?”
Who answers, “You suck!”
‘Twas no tellin’ lies,
James was certainly sucky.
That Santa would stop here,
Should find himself lucky.
Otherwise all that
Poor Jimmy would got
Was coal, or fuel vouchers
stuffed into his sock.
While other good children
Would profit the most
From corn syrup concentrate,
Largely fructose.
And now like an actor
Just coming on stage
From “A Christmas Carol”
He’s torn out a page
He’s now got his crutches
Like poor Tiny Tim
In hopes that Saint Nick
Will feel sorry for him.
Or like other waifs
From the C. Dickens pool
Poor little Oliver
begging for gruel.
But Santa already
Had made out a list
Of folks that he liked
Or at whom he was pist.
T’would be no rewards
For those found unlucky,
Or given to folks,
Who were known to be sucky
He climbed to his sleigh
And was dashing away.
He was mounting the roof tops
When I heard him say:
“In holiday spirit
I wish you the best.
Merry Christmas to you,
But you suck nonetheless.”
He was plum out of luck,
You know who I’m talkin’ ‘bout,
James, and he sucks.
In holiday spirit
We find our explorer,
Not Frosty the Snowman,
But Frosty the Lawyer.
With visions of sugarplums
Mind gone a racin’
‘Twas dreaming of lawsuits,
And ambulance chasin’
‘Twas thinking ‘bout Christmas
and got kind of haughty
‘Twas thinkin’ about girls
who he thought might be naughty.
When what to his wondering
Eyes were betrayed
The wrath of the one –
“She Who Must be Obeyed.”
He was in trouble
It couldn’t be worse
From “She” who runs ‘round
With his nuts in her purse.
So Frosty bemoaned
He was stuck in a rut
With holiday icons
Of candy and nuts.
When out on the lawn,
The ground started to shake,
Looks like our Jimmy
Had caused an earth quake.
'Twas just ol’ Saint Nicholas
Landing his sleigh.
“Get off my lawn!”
I heard Frosty say.
“For crying out loud!
I’m bringing a present.
Put down that rifle
You half-witted peasant.”
That was the rifle
‘Twas told by the bard,
With which he killed moose
at o’er 600 yards.
He blew on his moose call
Rose from his wheel chair.
And shooting from offhand,
Had placed one “right there”.
As he points to the spot
Near his last moose’s head
Where the bullet had entered,
And rendered it dead.
But Frosty the Lawyer
Knew just what to do.
“Get off of my lawn,
Or else I will sue!”
He sprang to the court,
With a Habeas Corpus.
Then swam away quick,
Like the tail of a porpoise.
In the blink of an eye,
On that holiday Saint
Had served up an order,
A writ of restraint.
And kids ‘round the world
found their Christmas gifts short
‘Cause James had ol’ Santa Claus
Tied up in court.
Ol’ Frosty the lawyer
Put clutches on Christmas
Sure as a land bridge
Can be called an isthmus.
Ol’ Frosty the Lawyer
Had hardened his heart
Sure as the stink
On a buffalo fart.
The spirit of Christmas
Was just a big mess.
Which James could not find
Even with GPS.
So through the fog-vision
Of things run amuck,
James yells, “That you Santa?”
Who answers, “You suck!”
‘Twas no tellin’ lies,
James was certainly sucky.
That Santa would stop here,
Should find himself lucky.
Otherwise all that
Poor Jimmy would got
Was coal, or fuel vouchers
stuffed into his sock.
While other good children
Would profit the most
From corn syrup concentrate,
Largely fructose.
And now like an actor
Just coming on stage
From “A Christmas Carol”
He’s torn out a page
He’s now got his crutches
Like poor Tiny Tim
In hopes that Saint Nick
Will feel sorry for him.
Or like other waifs
From the C. Dickens pool
Poor little Oliver
begging for gruel.
But Santa already
Had made out a list
Of folks that he liked
Or at whom he was pist.
T’would be no rewards
For those found unlucky,
Or given to folks,
Who were known to be sucky
He climbed to his sleigh
And was dashing away.
He was mounting the roof tops
When I heard him say:
“In holiday spirit
I wish you the best.
Merry Christmas to you,
But you suck nonetheless.”
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