Clean joke thread.

Does anyone have clean jokes to share? I think people are taking things way too serious. I can't think of any right now so please help me out. Thanks.

I don't have any clean jokes , let me wash my dirty ones and get back to you.

Whats Blue and smells like red paint ?...………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..Blue paint !

Why did the one handed man cross the road, duh----------------- to get to the second hand store of course.

What's easier to unload a truck load of bowling balls or lawyers ? ----------------- the lawyers - because you cant use a pitchfork on the bowling balls.

ooooops,wrong thread.

You can't beat the ol' trappers best friend his loyal Husky!...................................with a FULL TANK OF GAS !

A duck walks into a drugstore and asks for some lipstick. The clerk asks "are you paying cash?"

The duck says, "no, just put in on my bill"







A man walks into a drugstore, and asks a young employee for help. The man says "I have a heck of a cough, what can I take?"

The young worker, first day on the job, thinks fast and hands the man a bottle of Ex lax laxative. He tells the man to drink it all.

The man drinks the Ex lax, thanks the young man, pays for it and walks toward the exit. . As he is opening the door to leave, he freezes and stands still as a statue.

Just then the pharmacist, seeing this walks up and asks the young worker what happened. Explaining the mans cough symptoms, he tells the pharmacist that he gave the man Ex lax.

"you can't treat a cough with Ex lax!!!" the furious pharmacist shrieks.

Calmly, and without missing a beat, the young employee leans in and says "Look at him....he's too scared to cough!"

A government environmentalist makes a stop at a farm. He tells the farmer he is here to inspect his farm to be sure he isn't mistreating his animals and that they live in sanitary conditions.

The farmer says that would be fine, but that the inspector should stay out of the pen on the north side of the barn. The inspector pulls a badge and says, "Do you see this badge? This badge says I can go anywhere on your property that I want! I don't need your permission!"

The farmer says OK and that he had to finish a few repairs.

About five minutes go by when the inspector is seen running in the pen on the north side of the barn with a terrified look on his face while being chased by the farmer's Holstein bull. "Help!" The inspector screams.

The farmer hollers, "Show him your badge! Show him your badge!"

You have to say this joke with a heavy speech impediment on the letters s and r. Read this story out loud, or you probably won't be able to figure out some of the words. It took me forever to write, with the stupid auto correct spelling assist thingamabobber on my phone. And before anybody gets their pannies in a twist, I had these two speech impediments till I was 7 years old and read a book about a famous scientist named Michael Farraday, and how corrected his own lisp, which helped overcome my own. So if anyone gets upset over the joke, as I used to say before I was 7," Go thtick youw head in a commode thwee timeth, and pull it out twithe for all I cawe!".
Thewe'th thith boy with a thpeech impediment, hith family moveth to a new town. Hith mothew hath told him all kindth of ekthiting thowieth about the new thchool he'll be attending, how nithe evewyone will be, and no one will make fun of hith lithp. He'th all ekthited the fiwtht mowning of thchool, and ith impathiently waiting for the thchool buth to come. When it finally wolled up, and the doow thwung open, and ath he caught hith fiwth glimpthe of the dwivew, he put on the biggetht gwin you evew had theen, and thaid, " Good mawning, Mithtew buth dwivew!". The buth dwivew thlammed the doow thhut befowe the boy could get on, and the buth thped away!
The boy wath heawt bwoken, not being able to go to the new thchool, and bethideth that, hith mothew didn't believe hith thtowy, and whupped him good fow miththing the buth. He notithed the buth dwivew had been weawing glaththeth, tho maybe he couldn't thee vewy good. The nekt mowning, he got wight up clothe to the edge of the woad, tho thuwely the buth dwivew would thee him... but only to have the thame wethult: the door thlamming, the buth thpeeding off, and thith time hith fathew whipping him fow miththing the buth!
The nekt mowning, detewmined to make the buth, he got in the middle of the woad, and ath the buth appwoached, began jumping up and down and waving hith awms, thhouting, " Buth dwivew, buth dwivew!" Ovew and ovew again! Without any thign of theeing the boy, the buth wan him ovew! On the buth, thewe wath complete thilenthe, ath the buth dwivew thlammed on the brakes, tuwned awound, and thaid to the thhocked thtudentth, "That boy been making fun of my thpeech impediment fow thwee dayth wunning now, and I wath tiwed of it!"

Being best Irish friends Patty was beckoned to Mike's bedside . Mike wanting Pat to close his affairs upon his passing . " Pat me friend I have little $ but share it evenly with my 2 kids & the widow O'Shea whom has been very nice to me every since my wife passed. Now out in the back pantry up on the top shelf out of sight is a unopened bottle of Wild Irish Rose. When the last shovel of earth has been placed on my grave, Uncap said bottle & pour it all over grave. Patty's look was horrified . Mike ?'s. what can you not handle my request . Well yes but but would you mind if I run it thru my kidneys first ".....










7

One fly said to the other....Hey, is this stool taken?

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says "hey pal, why the long face?"

Two disabled kids were at their middle school dance. The boy was blind in one eye and had a painted wooden eye for the replacement, the girl had a hair lip. After noticing that nobody had asked the girl to dance the boy finally overcame his self-consciousness enough to ask her if she would like to dance. Overcome with joy at finally being asked she exclaimed: "WOULD I -WOULD I-WOULD I"!!!!! To which the boy angrily shouted back: '"HAIR LIP HAIR LIP HAIR LIP!!!!!"

A joke my kids friend (from RMDH-NY) told us. She lost her battle about 3 years ago

Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove it wasn't chicken.

A duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.
The day after that, the duck walks into the store and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk screams at the duck, “You’ve come in here the past week asking for grapes. I told you every time, no, we don’t have any grapes! I swear, if you come back in here again and ask for grapes, I’ll nail your webbed feet to the floor!” The duck left and returned the next day. This time he asked, “Do you have any nails?” The clerk replied, “No,” and the duck said, “Good. Got any grapes?”

What do indians do when they run out of toilet paper? ...........They tear a piece off theTeePee!!!

Hey, watch it there!

Did your hear about the gay midget?.....He just came out of the cupboard

If you get an email titled knock knock don't open it, it is Jehovah witness working from home.

what is the difference between a rectal thermometer and an oral one???


TASTE!!

My 7 yr old son just ask me this.... He said " hey dad, have you saw the movie constipation" and I just chuckled and said "no" and he says "well that's because it hasn't came out yet". Not sure where he heard it. Lol

That's probably the best one yet

Yea Dan I got a kick out of it, especially coming from my 7yr old

There's a song that goes with this one.

What does Christmas and a cat on the beach have in common?

The both have sandy claws...

Why don't cowgirls wear pony tails?

Because cowgirls know what is under a pony's tail

I college kid asks a checker where the condoms are and is told they are behind the counter. The checker grabs a pack and says do you need a bag with those and the kid says "No, she isn't that ugly at all.

A baby seal walks into a bar and says "i'll have anything but a Canadian Club"

What’s the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One is heavy and the other a little lighter.

A fat lady walks into a bar with a duck under her arm.

The bartenders asks, "Where'd ya git the pig?"

The lady says, "Are you blind? It's a duck!"

The bartender says, "I was talking to the duck!"

A man was sitting drinking in a bar. A very large woman moseys up to him and asks "hey honey, can I get your number?"

The man asks "do you have a pen?"

The woman replies 'sure do!"

The man says "good, you'd better get back in it before the farmer notices you're missing"

You know why you never see a constipated mathematician?

Because they know how to work out their problems with a pencil..


Mac

I'll fix the joke.

A suicidal, baby seal walks into a bar and says, I'll have a Canadian Club."

Keith

A giraffe walks into a bar and says howdy boys, the high balls are on me.

Zim

Race to the Outhouse by Willie Makit and Betty Dont.

A skeleton walks into a bar and says: "Give me a beer and a mop."

A man walks into a bar and sees a friend sitting beside a twelve inch pianist. He says to his friend, that's amazing, where did he come from? The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the Genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and takes the shape of a Genie.

In a booming voice the Genie tells the man he has but one wish. The man thinks for a bit and says, I wish I had a million bucks. All of a sudden the bar is filled with a million ducks, bursting from the doors and windows. What just happened, he ask his friend. His friend replies, I know, did you really think I wished for a twelve inch pianist.

Illustrated by Doris Lokt

ruptured chinese by One Hung low

illistrated by kenny doit

With all this social distancing stuff and all , been staying home a lot.

Finished 3 books this week alone.


That's a lot of coloring.

How do you get a one armed man out of a tree?
You wave at him!

How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a nut!

What’s yellow slimy smells and lays on the jungle floor?
Monkeys vomit!

Guess the clean part didn't last long.

I had a dream last night that I was a muffler........................................................I woke up exhausted!