observation on Divorces

Having known lots of people with divorces (childhood-now I've noticed something....Divorces hardly ever work out for the better.
Yes some divorce for are a legit safety concern but most of the time the adults just want to leave for whatever reason and the courts allow divorce for irreconcilable differences.

Usually from what I have seen one parent does everything they can to bring down the other parent and make the kids favor one over the other. One parent tries their best to be cordial with the other but the other is to bitter angry and selfish to be reasonable and work with the other. One or both try to "out due" the other with material things and so on. In the end the kids suffer both parents suffer and no one wins. The parents struggle to get by etc...

Some friends get along with their ex's better divorced, others are constantly pulling out hair, others can't see their kids, others constantly deal with a complete difference in rules and expectations.

These are just a few observations I've observed over nearly 40 years in life.

Is there a point when divorce parents ever say....this divorce isn't working out for any of us and it would be better to rejoin in marriage? It is certainly easier and cheaper to stay married than divorce most of the time.

My divorce from the first wife was not a problem. No kids and we didn’t own anything but the cars. 365 days and $160.00 later and it was done.

Can’t lump all of them in the same bundle.

A divorce tends to bring out the worst in everyone. Both parties will spend $100's of dollars fighting over a Gravy Bowl that Aunt Betty gave them just so the other can't have it. It is almost like a contest, who can hurt the other one more. Anyone that has gone through a divorce will tell you that is likely the low point of their life. Luckily I never had any kids to further complicate things.

Just a sign of the times - better than the latest newspaper headlines...

2 Timothy 3:1
This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. 2For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, 3Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, 4Traitors, heady, highminded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God;

Its great for the attorney's and at least in this state you marry one and after you say "I do" she owns half the ranch and livestock.

Too many people quit before it really gets good. Kids suffer way more than most people realize. A big part of our dysfunction in society these days come from kids who were emotionally harmed through divorce and everyone ignored it and said things like "kids are resilient". They're the ones who get hurt the most and nobody seems to care.

I have always said there is no marriage that can't be a great marriage if both people are willing to make it work.

Some stay married till the kids are grown.If they can remain civil with eachother,that is probably good for the kids.If the two are at each others throats all the time-then it is bad.
I knew one younger fellow from work who got divorced.His wife got the kids and would not let him see them-he loved his kids more than anything and wound up comitting suicide.

In most cases, I believe it would be much better for the kids if both parents unexpectedly died, than to have their parents go through a divorce, destroy each other in the eyes of their children, burden the kids with guilt and make them wonder if they are as bad as their parents.

Keith

I’m going to assume that unless you’ve been through it, you have no idea what you’re talking about. Surely there are more important things to worry about than other peoples marriages.

That surely has to be one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen written on the internet.

Goofiest thing I ever read. My parents divorced when I was 5, and although I remember being sad for a little while it didn't last long. In the divorce, my dad agreed to allow me and my mom to stay in the house until I was 18 if she paid the mortgage payments, at which point the house would be sold unless one bought the other out. After the divorce, I believe I was nearly as happy as I would have been had they not divorced as my life didn't change much. Sure, occasionally one or the other would talk the other down, but even as a child I realized that was to be expected since there were so many hard feelings, and so I just ignored it. I lived with my mom, and my dad came like clockwork to visit 3 times a week. Mostly we'd go hunting, or to town for ice cream, or bowling, or something at first. Later, as my mom and dad became more civil, we would most times just stay at the house unless we had something special planned. We'd go fishing, play cards or board games, go sledding in the winter, go trapping, train one of my ever present dogs, etc. On holidays, my dad would come down in the later morning and we'd hang out for awhile then he'd leave and we'd go to dinner at my mom's parents house. I do remember one point of conflict (in my mom's mind) with the holidays. Being a single mom she didn't have a lot to spend and yet she did (too much) and would try to buy me everything she could think would make me happy and then along would come my dad with a gun, or a used 4wheeler, or a beat up snowmobile and I'd be more excited about that gift and she'd get so mad/hurt about that.

But to say kids would be better off with their parents dead? That's ludicrous! I feel I had a great childhood despite the divorce, and am still close with both of my parents today!

My ex got advice from her sister and brother, both who have been married and divorced three times. Great advice.

Not So fast there, that's the way you feel or believe.

My parents fought like cats n dogs and When I was married myself for 3 years, my parents divorced.
I was the oldest kid and much crap fell on me.
I remembering feeling that I wished they had died on their plane ride to Alaska together.

I believe God wired our brain PRE SIN , pre divorce. AND that my brain could wrap around the Grief of death much easier than the Unnatural mess and distorted wierd pain of Divorce.

I can't pretend to know anything about the "typical" divorce. I surmise each and every situation is different. Take my comments with a grain of salt, however, as I've been married for 41 years ... to three different gals.

Jack

It's truly what I believe having gone through it on the child of divorce end. Apparently you believe only your beliefs matter, which is one of the dumbest things to believe.

Keith

I am the oldest too and was the one who got stuck inbetween arranging the terms of the divorce. Likewise "my brain could wrap around the Grief of death much easier than the Unnatural mess and distorted wierd pain of Divorce."

I am sorry you had to go through it too Scott. I am sorry for anyone who has to experience what we did.

Keith

Never been threw a divorce and don't have any kid's.
But have seen plenty of divorced people go threw it.
Seems crazy to me, some end up with one worst than the one they got rid off.
something was good for a while I guess.
And some people should never get married.
But they just keep trying.

But I guess I don't understand , I been married now for 27 years.
I got lucky and found a good wife.
Just keeps getting better

X2 25 years for me. Could not have a happier marriage. Some people say it was tough some of the time, but it never was for us. And like you said just keeps getting better.

many years ago before divorce was a regular accepted thing there were couples that didn't get along but stayed together.

There was the bad stigma that went with getting a divorce and the woman had less choice than to depend upon a man to provide for her.

Now there is no societal stigma in getting divorced and women come out with child support and alimony. There is no downside for a woman to get divorced today only upsides.

If hubby isn't making her happy its time to pull the cord and jump out.

For a man the odds are you'll be in hock for many years paying the ex.

Thats why something like 70-80% of divorces are started by the wife.

Was married for was married 41 yrs to one woman,had a decent divorce without strife. Lived with a few others and stayed until it got bad. Had my sons with one I lived with in asia for 6 yrs and we both discovered after 6 yrs we found things we didnt want for our lives. So we parted ways and my living son came west with me. Far west. He never experienced parents fighting or bickering as we had already made choices. wish my parents had split instead of the constant fighting,threatening and abuse. So at 15 I left. My son has a great life here with me and has little contact with his mom by her own wishes and he doesnt really care. He is well adjusted and honors in school,,alter boy at church,school leader and the list goes on. You cant lump it all together,people are different.

Been there, done that. My divorce wasn't my decision, it was handed to me. My kids were adults at the time and if my ex had to do it over again she'd make better decisions. She's her one person and as a whole it has benefited me.. I hold no animosity to her, I wish her the best. Took a while to get to this point.

I lost 15 years of work and careful savings in a divorce, I got off easy, we didn't have kids.

Or it could have something to do with men being almost twice as likely to cheat.

Absolutely hate it for the kids. But we live in a very self centered world. A lot of people can justify a lot of wrong stuff if it gets them what they want.

13% of women cheat and 20% of men. Women have more incentive to divorce as they are heavily favored in court.

I seen an interesting divorce of a friend of a friend.

Can't remember the guy's name , so I will call him John Smith. He had a wife for a bit over 10 years. The wife decided to leave him and take 1/2+ of his considerable assets. Papers were served and court dates set.

They meet up in court with their prospective attorneys. Her attorney was going over the assets , a house worth over 300k , several cars including a Cadillac and a Corvette. A couple Harleys. Several bank accounts and stocks. Total easily over 600k. Her attorney asked if these were all his assets , looking to take as much as possible from him to give to her.

John Smith replied that these assets were not his. The judge interjects that all these assets were in John Smith's name and should be split between the two parties.

John Smith again claims that this is not his property. The judge and her attorney are perplexed and want an explanation or John Smith could be held in contempt of court for trying to hide assets.

John Smith's attorney tells the judge that his client's legal name is John Smith Jr all the assets belonged to John Smith jr's father , John Smith.

John Smith Jr kept all his assets because on paper they belonged to his father. The ex-wife got nothing.

John Smith Jr had been divorced before and learned how to protect his assets better. The ex- wife never picked up on the fact that everything was not in her husband's name the entire time they were married.

John Smith Jr was a very smart guy IMO.

My kids mom decided to be a meth addict. We divorced in 87. Kids stayed with me. if anybody reading this knows how to have a marriage with a drug addict your way ahead of me. I couldn't do it.

She is dead now. Murdered by the man she was living with at the time.

I can't understand how anyone could be so bitter and hate someone after having loved them and lived with them and gave oath to love and protect them. Forgiveness is really overlooked I guess?

And you quoting it has to be " one of the funniest things I have ever read on the internet " bout spit my chew out. Still laughing so hard I can barely type, I-pad bouncing on my belly.

Sounds like he was planning to fail all along

It is amazing what adults will put minor children through to satisfy their own needs. Yes some may need to be done for serious safety concerns but divorce is one way to put a lot of people in lower income environments with emotional issues. It seems that many who are desiring divorce as a way to resolve their issues are making the government financially and health care wise more involved in their lives and maybe by design.

Bryce

Marriage is supposed to be a picture of our relationship with Jesus. The church is the bride of Christ. We the church constantly cheat on Jesus (idolatry), treat him like garbage. Yet he constantly forgives us and never leaves us. That should be the standard for us. Even when we leave him, he's there waiting for us to return

It always amazes me the way divorced peoples' next squeeze is often just like the one they divorced. Human nature, I guess.

My ex-wife and I got along better after our divorce because we both love our children more than we loved each other. And that was the best for all, because I don't think I was to far from turning her into catfish bait. And I think she knew it.
We're still friends to this day.

First wife and I divorced after I found her sleeping with another after coming home from a hunting trip and surprised them, he left and she blamed me, our little guy was three at the time.

I went straight to an attorney the next day had her served at her boyfriends place the day after that.

Our marriage was fine or so I thought, she did not work, I did but it was not enough money coming in for her I was told, she got the boy. I stayed in the home she moved in with the guy, I paid CS on a regular monthly basis, things were cool but I got to see my boy every other weekend. Things were working out !

Until I started dating again, then I was a rotten father sleeping with all kinds of tramps, could not talk with my son any more had to go to court again on my dollar to have them tell her she could not take him away, Still was not enough kept this up for 3 years

I finally married again the little guy was 6 now and wanted to come live with me, she let him and then took me to court for being a tramp father, LOL was just one battle after another because I chose to look for another partner, but ok for her.

In the end we both lost him due to an automobile accident, which she blamed again me and my wife, guess it worked out for the little guy as we was no more a tennis ball for her. My ending of her came when she passed away due to her way life.

I did not celebrate it, but I could have, but it would have put me in that party of egotiscal people thinking only they count, I do miss the little guy though, he would be 47 this coming August, the pain of that loss never leaves !!

Kids and divorce never go together, be sure of your mate before you have them, saves everyone heart ache pain if you decide to split !!

Anybody who says their ex won't let them see their kids is full of crap. You just have to man up, go to court and fight for your parental rights. If they won't give you visitation there is probably a reason. Fix that problem and go back to court. If it means getting counseling, get counseling. If it's a drinking problem, get sober.

Wow lots of great and sad divorce stories and advice.

Loose goose, I'm of the same mindset of those vows are serious and not to be taken lightly. I've seen marriages go over 70 years and it was awesome to talk with them. After all those years their eyes still lit up like a neon sign when asked about their marriage especially how they met.

A few buddies got full custody of their child(ren) because their ex was on drugs.

My parents divorced after nearly 25 years shortly after I turned 18. That was nasty and won't go into it.

It sounds like those of you that didn't have kids with your ex got really lucky.

The rental storage business seems to thrive on divorces. House it sold, each party gets a small apartment, and stuff goes into storage. Often it is abandoned.

To the youngsters, pick them wisely.

Like

I learned people can develop bi polar in there mid/late 20s... even if you think you picked right there are no guarantees but death and taxes.

Generally, "marriage" is a written CONTRACT. Unfortunately, it does not define all the issues in the "future details". The words "Love "and Lust" both begin with the letter "L" and have four letters. The main causes in divorce are sex, finances, in-laws, and "friends". Think about these before you say "I do" because one of you may say "no you don't". Experience is a strenuous teacher.

Good advice.

Lol sure a simple out look guess you know it all. I have a friend thats x not wife had proven drug issues he spent 20k on the first round tryong to get his kid. There were many more rounds not one less then 10k. He never got her. Sure a few times mom got ger wrist slaped so she sid as ordered for a while tell she didnt. Then back to the lawyer abd another 10k ot more and months in court.

It was a cut and dry he should have got the kid the first round according to the law and her behavior Turnd out his x lawyer was good looking and known to spend a lot of time alone with the judge.

My wifes mom amd step dad have been married 3 times. Twice to each other.

Boco, I'm sorry to hear that. That hits close to home. A good buddy had an argument with his baby mom, she threatened that she will make sure he will never ever see his son again. He committed suicide that afternoon.

White Dog, unfortunately the courts usually side with the mom and the dad has to fight like the 3rd monkey getting on the arc. I've seen women get away with lies false reports false testimony including witnesses that lie and the dad is lucky to get once a month supervised visits.

Nate, If both acted and treated each other that way it may work. If your spouse decided to commit adultery, do drugs, spread disease, steal, lie, deal drugs, neglect and abuse the kids, and then the spouse is the bad person. Forgiveness is hard. Forgiveness is also not in me, never has been never will be. Vengeance I get.

maybe we have discovered a cause to being bi polar. jk

Heh. Genetics was the clue I missed, her family was nuts, shoulda known she'd end up that way as well.

Lol, didn't see that last line coming.

If you wanna know what a woman is gonna end up like, take a look at her mother.

Because they don't fix the problems that caused the first relationship to fail so they just take the same bad behavior patterns into the next one. Some people figure out out after 2 or three tries but some people never do. Once they realize it's their baggage that's causing them to get involved with toxic people instead of getting away from them, then they have a chance.

At the risk of starting to sound like a marriage counselor, here's one piece of advice to live by: A great marriage is not the result of finding the right person, it's the result of being the right person. I wish someone had told me that so I didn't have to screw up the first five years of my marriage.

I always hate to hear about the outliers and painful experiences such as people who lose a spouse to drug or alcohol abuse, those are tragedies, but generally, if you're in a bad relationship it's best to look inside instead of pointing fingers.

[Steps down off soapbox]

There is a lot in this and other words here.
Years ago there were stigmas and pressures and financials and all that I think helped some people make a better decision about marrying in the first place. It also caused couples to put more thought into divorcing and maybe see the ramifications in a brighter light. Not to say divorce is not proper in some cases.
Today we are a far more selfish society. Poor me. Friends, media, family, poor you you have to be happy, you deserve better say those who believe misery loves company.
Kids? They do not get the respect they deserve from parents before actual divorce illustrated by the parents selfish actions. Not all but very many.
If more parents would think more about their children, and the common goal loving and being there for them, I think that commonality would go a very long way.
I know I’m painting with a broad brush and of course there are exceptions. Overall divorce is not good for the innocent. Worse is for those children never having two decent parents involved from the get go.
Osky

Well said.

I figured it was time to bail when my finger nails and locks of my hair were cut while I was asleep only to find them in a wooden box with some other stuff with a book about black magic in her closet. lol

And auctions....

All I know is once a woman has her eye set on another guy you can do nothing right.......

I have never known anyone who put God first in their life to get divorced,

I don't know about that but I will say praying with my wife everyday and going to church on Sunday is much better than being with someone who chugs half a bottle of vodka before bed.

Wife from the other room:
"Do you ever feel like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they are jabbing needles in it's back?"

Me:
"No."

Wife:
"How about now?"

Genetics and behaviors (attitudes habits actions etc...)

Youngsters, pay attention to the entire family for clues. I'm not just talking parents and siblings I mean the ENTIRE family.

This is good advice that should be heeded. My ex had a crazy mother, aunts were "off", grandma was a total nut. At the time I had no clue that people were still developing mentally into their 20s. I would be very careful about getting married under 25-26.

Men shouldn’t get married until they have lived a minimum of one year on their own.

My thoughts:
A good spouse is worth a million dollars,a bad one ain't worth a dime.
It's a Man's world and Woman's court.

Men that get along best with women are the men that get along best without them.

men cheat 20% of the time women 13%, so not quit as much as twice.

My parents divorced when I was 10. Everybody talks about how traumatic it is for the kids, I was one of the happiest kids in town. Didn't have to listen to all the fights, a nightly occurrence. My sisters and I lived with our mom, she never got a penny from our dad. She worked hard, we were money poor, but had a good childhood. We camped and fished nearly every weekend along the river. I divorced after 23 years of marriage. We had 2 sons. The oldest was a senior and the youngest was a freshman. When I told them I was kicking their mom out, they said what took you so long. Told me I should have done it 10 years before. The ex is a hard worker, but the bottle got the best of her. 2 DWI and rents a room in a basement to live in. As hard as she drinks, I can't believe she is still alive. We've been divorced for 22 years and lost our youngest son last spring at the age of 36. Basically drank himself to death.

For those inserting God and prayer while agree, when one person changes who they are or were after a period of time one praying does not solve the problem of both.

I’ll throw this out there. Read “cracking the Communication code” by Emerson Eggerich.

Last i heard was Boco was renting out some of his trapline cabins for a year for those guys to apply. $10,000 cash rent in advance, and no he does not accept possum skins as payment.

Interesting thread.
Divorce is a civil matter and not a standard of God in any way. Genesis 2:24 describes the covenant of marriage, early in the Creation story, before the Fall in the Garden in Chapter 3.
But, we live in 2022 and divorce is a character trait of our culture, but not a character trait of God.

When the religious leaders of Jesus' day asked Him about divorce, testing Him of course, Jesus clarified (recorded in Matthew 19) that divorce is man-made. It's not of God.
What we have is "top-line" thinking (God) versus "bottom line" thinking (humans/world/satan) and no where do these two lines intersect. They can't.
Jesus tells the religious leaders that it's pornea, or unrepentant sexual sin; lust that steers human desires. We desire pleasure. If you talk to 100 people who are divorced you'll hear 100 different versions of the same concept = humans figuring out what is good and evil and acting on it, which is the definition of being "god."

Marriage was never designed by the God of Creation so that the man and the woman would make each other "happy." It happens of course and that's great, but marriage was divinely designed for man and wife to make each other holy. Each brings character to the marriage which strengthens the dual bond. Our culture teaches that marriage is about love and happiness and if this one doesn't make me happy... NEXT!

Divorce and abortion are the two biggest legacies of trauma in our time and the wounds are absolutely, positively everywhere, effecting the emotional, relational, and spiritual health of tens of millions.

We do the best we can, with what we have, where we are. The best situation is to walk a straight path... united to the One whose Wisdom is the Truth.
Human wisdom stories always have a "twist" in the plot.

Blessings,
Mark

Mark, that's so true. Another verse that accompanies this thread is Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked; who can know it?
I say it accompanies this topic because I've heard many Christian couples say..... my heart says the divorce is the right thing to do. Regardless of how many times they are reminded that divorce is not of God's plan they still go through it because "their heart says to" and they prayed about it and feel it's right. Meanwhile the other spouse is saying the opposite.

Yes some people can reconcile but unfortunately it's far and few between.

Another trend I have seen with Christians the last several years is to have "a temporary separation" from several months to 1 year. During that time they are going to the church for counseling. The pastors practicing this approach don't realize the damage this is causing with the marriage and the family. The pastors practice this approach even with couples that have been married 20+ years not just younger couples.


Youngsters, marriage and having kids is THE HARDEST job, responsibility and ministry you will ever have. Long rough day at work, you get home and your day is just starting.