family problems

have you ever disowned a family member, my dad did this to my older brother, never understood how he could do this , when I was young , but when I got older I understood , now I'm ready to disown my oldest daughter, she had a drug problem for 15 years has try to beat it many times ,seem she just can't beat it and when she does she don't care about anyone but herself !!!. her kids my grandchildren suffer the most, Kim and I have raised them for years at a time, and looks like we will be again, rant over thanks for listening

Understand, and pray for your family's strength with these situations.

A tough situation for sure. She may be a lost cause, but your grandkids aren't and will need you. Hats off to you and your wife for stepping up for them!

I am sorry to hear of your problems with your daughter, I hope and pray things work out for you.

Sadly your story isn't unusual these days. Drugs have destroyed alot of people. No answer for you on the disowning.

Have 5 kids ,one black sheep ,Her children have all followed in her footsteps except one .Good luck to you

Never disowned my kids but I've never not let them know when they make poor life choices which in turn makes me the bad guy at times. Oh well, love endures.. I hope for the best in your troubles.

Disowned is not really the term I would use for your situation. If she got herself together you’d be glad for her, yes?

No doubt a tough situation. We will be praying for your family.

I am sorry to hear this, I hope things get better. Your grandkids will appreciate your efforts and will never forget it. Hopefully eventually your daughter will too.

I hate hearing that. Drugs have wreaked havoc in my family too. IMO sometimes you just have to cut a loved one loose. No more "help". A few people finally come to their senses. The hard part in my experiance is forgiving yourself. Coming to see its not your fault. Its a hole in the drug addict I believe some people are born with. Have to cut em loose, tend only to those who really benefit.

It’s a terrible thing Roy. I have dealt with siblings drug addiction for years. I know exactly what you mean about not caring about anything but herself. I’ve gone both ways with this too. When do I say enough is enough and when do I say, here I am to help. I pray that the Lord will give you wisdom in this matter. Ultimately, you are not in control of her, it’s her choices, right or wrong. None of it is your fault. I will say what others have too. Make sure them kids are taken care of.

Addicts need help. Sometimes, the help they need is to be cold, hungry, miserable, sick, and alone, living under a bridge,in order to make them realize that they need to do whatever it takes to quit.
That's different than "disowning", though. Disowning is final, there's no going back. Leaving an addict to rot in their addiction doesn't have to be final. Once they get help and get sober, they can be welcomed back, even If the relationship is never what it could have been.

I have disowned a generous amount of my close family. Family will stab you in the back quicker and deeper than any stranger could. I figure its because they know you probably wont shoot em over it.

Family are also like meth heads they will steal your wallet and smile and help you look for it.

My real friends (and there are very few) have helped me out way more than my family ever has with very few exceptions.

I've been around this crap for the last 40 years. You can only do so much to help people. Sometimes all you can do is be there to talk to them if they want it. If.

Tough Love

Prayers for relief.

Sorry to hear Roy, prayers and all you can do is pray and be there to listen....

It kills me to hear these stories. Sending prayers for you and your family.

Two words. Teen Challenge. Check it out. https://www.google.com/search?q=mic...223j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8


It's the only program that has super high long-term success rates for sobriety and family restoration.

The worst thing you can do is give up on her or disown her. What she needs to hear are words like, "I will never stop loving you no matter what" and "I will never give up on you." You have to realize she doesn't want this any more than you do! She's powerless to control it through her own will. She can't change her behavior. She needs to have a change of heart.

I know your frustrated, but abandoning her will just make it worse. It's not a bad idea to have her kids taken away from her, it's a powerful bargain chip to get her into some place like Teen Challenge that will transform her life.

I wouldn't talk to my brother for years .. he had a drug problem, and would steal from his own family for drug money ..
It's finally over now ...... he put a 308 in his mouth and pulled the trigger .....

Prayers for you Roy that just like the father and his prodigal son, if her humbled heart seeks you and the Mrs. out in the future,
that you will have the wisdom of heart to realize it and come running to your daughter.
It's how we're created and meant to be.

Blessings that a day like that happens brother!
Mark

At one time my brother in law was not allowed to come to my place. I he was 8 when i started dating my wife.
I tought him to shoot, hunt, & trap. Made it tough becuse my inlaws were living there also. It lasted a few years. He got strait and remarried works a lot of OT now. I never veliever that would happen but i am sure glad it did.

Im sorry you have to deal with these problems. It very tough.

Sorry to hear Roy, enjoy your grandchildren and pray that she comes to her senses, I have an almost 40 year old stepson that I used to spend alot of time with, he's an alcoholic, and his wife and him have been separated for years, she doesn't allow him to see his kids because of his drinking, I found the best help for him is, no help.praying for you all.

Yes,

Prayers

Sorry to hear this.
I have been thru the same exact thing.
Still helping to raise my daughters children.

Depending on the type and depth of addiction, It's possible there is no return to what we remember as normal.
I believe the only comfort i have is knowing that I always had love for her .
And the hardest thing for me was how to help without enabling.
I'm not sure a person can.
I lost my daughter to the addiction, praying you don't also.
It's a horrible path to walk down.

You , your wife and family will be in my prayers for comfort and healing.

Written with with tears for all involved.

All the best for you and your family.

Chris

Sorry to hear about your problems.

at this point it might be worth considering taking legal custody of the kids. if she can be clean she can visit.

then at least the kids suffer less.

Very sorry you are having to go through this Roy, prayers.

My wife and I did a great deal of raising our our two oldest grandchildren. The oldest is to much like me. But she will succeed. Our daughter has never gone as far as yours but close. Told her we love her but not her behavior and choices.
Will be there but can't keep doing this to ourselves. Always their for our grandchildren.
I have a sister and her husband if the worst happened I would be there for her but we will not associate with them or their children at all. My wifes side one sister I'll associate with the rest are worthless and their is 5 of them. I won't have anything to do with htem,
backstabbing manipulative, bullies, etc.
SO I can relate to your situation, If she changes I'd cautiously let her back in. Grandkids need you!
Prayers,

See it all the time but never understood about the choice part kids come first in my book, everyone I know pushes a little harder on issues involving children and young adult to make them safe. Seen a lot of lives thrown away many professionals ones even over drugs and alcohol problems.

Dopers are so into their drugs if telling the truth would set them free they would just keep lying out of habit in most cases. It’s a shame it came to this but I know you would do anything for those children it take special people to do that.

My Respect to your family for doing such a great job looking after those in need.

Dahlgren, maybe God just intends for you to raise those kids. His plan is already written and it sounds like your daughter has had plenty of chances. Love her, but don’t be an enabler. I know it’s different with family and I don’t know when is enough or at what point you cut the ties. I’ve never been an addict and I’ve never had a direct family member as one either. The outside looking in view is easy to armchair quarterback. From the outside looking in, I say get custody of those kids. They deserve you.

Yep sure know that problem.

Sorry about your daughter. Take solace in the fact you live close enough and are able to have the opportunity to be able to look after your grandchildren.

I don't know what you mean by "disown".
If you mean not giving her a significant portion of your estate in your Will, then that is okay.
If you mean cutting off all communication with her forever, then no, that is not okay.

Not your choice, not your call, not your life do whats best for children is #1 here.

My mother was a nurse in the small town I was raised in, was well known and respected for the 35 years she worked at the hospital. She rebelled in the limelight but lost all of that once she retired as she was no longer a big fish in a small pond. With nothing better to do with her spare time decided to micromanage the family. She would start a rift between brother and SIL, sister and BIL, myself and other family members. Then just before everything exploded she would step in and "fix" the situation that she had started, making herself look like a hero amongst the family. I picked up on it rather quickly and wouldn't play her games and even confronted her on it many of times, even pointed it out to the rest of the family but to no avail. My father soon became much like her and even supported her actions causing many blow outs and headaches for all involved. After several years of this up and down drama I decided I had enough and walked away. I am no longer invited to family functions (including my fathers funeral) as most of the family seems to support her games but it continues to undermine everything I was taught as a child. My brother and sister rarely speak to each other nore do their kids. Some of my family understands but don't want to get involved but the damage is done. The bible teaches us to respect your father and mother so in their eyes I'm the one at falut. I'm sorry but times like this I have to disagree and my life has been so much better without this anchor around my neck. Although I haven't spoken to her in over 15 years, she continues to this day starting and embellishing rumor's about me. I would be willing to forgive and welcome her back into my life if she would admit to her problem or at least try to change but I know she won't. Sometimes to better your life walking away is about the only practical thing you can do.

Absolutely. I don't know this pain but I can only imagine. Watching it happen in our extended family (my wife's niece and spouse). And people say drug use is a victimless crime. Bull****!!

You asked, so you shall receive. Remove the malice from the heart, if you "understand" disowning as any sort of potential your mindset is in the wrong place. Like many have said don't be an enabler, but always make sure the basic needs are met, and that her children have stability in their life. For a lot of addicts, they need that one specific thing that will bring them back, some never find it, some do, but I do know that a father's love can never hurt but a fathers refusal to speak can lead to a much worse situation. Once the loop is broken, you will be thankful that you were willing to battle through all of the tough times.

X2

Your experience mirrors mine,my mothers been gone now for 3 years but right up to the end before Alzheimer's took her she ran me and my wife into the ground daily.Sometimes for your own mental health you have to walk away.Doesn't mean you have to get nasty or vindictive.Just walk away

From the time I was a teenager I was told by my parents that I would never do anything with my life and would always be a POS. I finally got tired of it and realized that they were the ones with problems. That was 30 years ago. They both died 10 or 12 years ago, not exactly sure and it doesn't matter. Funny thing is that I was the youngest and first person in my family to own a house, have credit/cards or be able to save any type of money. I have a great job and make a better living than all of them together. The thing that bothered me the most is that most of my relatives (spread out around the country) had heard my parents put me down so much that they believe it to this day. I used to try to figure out why they had the feelings about me that they did but finally realized it wasn't worth my time. Now I spend my time keeping my small family doing the best we can.

For everyone out there struggling with family or addictions keep your chin up and make sure your doing the best for you.

Praying for you

Truer words never spoken…it’s called unconditional love. She needs to know that you will never give up on her. Even if you don’t approve of the way she is treating herself and the way it’s affecting those around her. Disowning someone is an attempt to feel some sense of control in an already out of control situation. It will not help to do it. Your daughter needs to understand that you don’t approve of what she’s doing and yet you will always be there for her, unconditionally. That doesn’t mean you enable her behavior.

I will pray for you, your daughter, and your grandkids. That God would work a miracle of redemption like only He can (and has done before). Makes me think of how God is constantly loving us and showing His grace to us, even as we all sin, turning our backs on Him to some degree so many times in our walk, but His mercies are new every morning. Praise God. Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is to step away and allow the consequences of our loved ones choices to truly set in, meanwhile praying for, waiting and watching for their repentance. I will pray for your situation often.

She will have to make the decision to clean up on her own-no one can force that on an addict.
You can let her know that you will be there for her when she makes the decision,but in no way will you enable her habit in any way.
Stepping up for the grandkids welfare should re-inforce your intentions to her in this regard.

Been there experienced that too. They said it so much I believed it as a kid and rebelled and made alot of mistakes but later in life I was fortunate to straighten it all out. When they died some 15-20 yrs ago I never felt more relief. Now as an old man I realize there was nothing I could have ever done to please them and live free of it,and try to raise my son better. I later in life realized that there are just some people who will never be happy with anything.

thanks everyone for your thoughts ,

Hang in there!!!

people understand this we love our daughter!!!!, it is killing us to watch her go thru life like this, she knows we love her or should by all we have done try to help her and tell her that we do [love her] but she is a user and a liar, can't believe anything she say or her husband, at this point its up to them an the state at . can't help someone that don't want it

Roy,my stepmom was the same. A user and liar most of her adult life. She was put in rehab twice before I was 14. Nothing anybody did could help until she wanted it. An addict only sees what they see.

this is one of the hardest thing to understand,prayers are with you and your family.

Amen.

Had one particular family member that had problems with drugs/alcohol for a good part of their life. The really sad part is that once they got clean they were still miserable, self-centered, and manipulative.

Some people clean up and become a different person... Some are just as bad, if not worse, than when they were addicted.

I wish I had some insight or advice. But I don't. Just know that you aren't the only person to deal with this.

Mike

... I’m a rocks throw away from disowning this bunch I got down here already ... and they haven’t really done anything wrong yet... my thought is they can sense that and not put me to the test... time will tell I reckon

You are good people for stepping in for the grand kids. In so many addiction problems I've seen, there's an underlying mental health issue, and they self-medicate with drugs to escape the tortures of their lives. If you think it sucks to have a drug addict daughter, just think about how bad it sucks to BE a drug addict daughter. I haven't met any addicts that are happy with their lives. Most people don't grow up as kids saying, "I want to be a drug addict when I grow up."

I say love her, absolutely don't disown her. Drug addicts will tell you that the hardest thing, is for loved ones to turn away from them when they are at their weakest. It's a hard road, and hard for her too. I've travelled your road. I will pray, for sure. Whether you are a man of faith or not, I say do what Jesus would do.

Stay strong my freind. You are a good man.

Thoughts many and prayers to you, your daughter and family keep strong.