Retirement..how to deal with the changes?

Jerry has retired. After 35 years he decided he was done it working on the ranch.in Wyoming so he didn't go back out to work this year.

He has worked away from May til Nov since weve been together. 16 years.our entire relationship.

I'm glad he's home but there are definitely some Changes.

First off I'm a loner. I love him but I also need time by myself. If I'm around anyone too much they begin to grate on me. That's anyone. I enjoy being alone. I don't need or want so.eone underfoot all the time.
I've never been that kind of person.


I've always had the summer and taken care of the gardening qe3deating and things like that.

He's not the type to set around so he's always looking m for something to do. Which is a good thing. Generally.

I love him but his retirement had retired me.too because I don't have anything to do.

I used to get up at 6 and go out and plow or hoe the garden or weedeat. It was my "me time"..it was something I enjoyed and looked forward to. Now it's gone.

I can't fault him because I know he'd go just setting around but now IM the one setting around.

I'm getting frustrated.

There are no weeds to hoe or cut. Nothing to plant in the garden because he's done it all.

I don't wanna sound ungrateful and I haven't talked to him about it but that garden was mine..just like my mamaws was hers..I planted what I wanted when I wanted and where I wanted. Not anymore.

I think that's partly why the house deal is bothering me so much...because I don't have an escape anymore.

I need that time in the garden. It keeps me sane.

He's always been gone this time.of year so it's been up to me to.do thise things and I have but now all those things to keep me busy aren't there anymore.

I can't talk to him because it will hurt his feelings and I don't wanna do that but when he talks about needing to be busy I'd like to tell him id.lime to be busy to but there's nothing to keep me busy now.

I can feel myself getting frustrated and I don't want things to come to a head but I don't know how to keep that from happening.

I know this isn't a therapy group but I figured some of yall might have went through this before and could.offer me some help and advice. I really need it.

If I say something he's going to get upset and swear.off doing anything or decided to go to his house and I don't want tha to happen but if I don't find something to do outside I'm going to.lose.my mind before it's a said and done.

I was gonna talk to him about it last night but he was wally proud of what he'd accomished yesterday so there was no way I was gonna ruin that for him.

I really do need your advice if you've been through a similar situation.

Thank you

It's simple, you need to get a job, Lol....Just kidding, it is an adjustment.

You can still get out and have your alone time, or I'm sure he wouldn't mind leaving you there and giving you that space when you need it....Relationships aren't 50/50 it's more like 100/100...Yes, you can talk to him, he can handle it... You have to express yourself for the health of your relationship.

I haven't been through a similar situation, but can offer my thoughts if that helps at all. Maybe make a list of things for YOU to accomplish and make a list of things for JERRY to accomplish. Keep some of your tasks separate so you both can check things off of your lists. My wife and I do that sometimes - we start with one long list of things that need to get done, then split them into two lists. Each person gets the gratification of crossing something off of their own list, but the items on each of our lists benefits the whole house.

Since there aren't enough illegals anymore, I think I'm seeing a way I can stock my farm with energetic retirees! Don't worry, way too much work to do to ever run out of the fun!

But seriously, my wife and I have enough respect with one another that we can talk out what our needs are. There is a book out there called "Cues" and it is a wonderful primer about how to better communicate. It's an interesting and fun read.

I can tell from your posts that you think the world of Jerry (I sometimes tell on you with my wife Fanny) and I'm sure that its likely reciprocal. Glass of wine and a relaxing evening and talk about what all these changes mean for each other.

Incidentally, both my wife and I find we need a decent amount of alone time as well.

The only answer is the Lord Jesus. You both come to him and you will have plenty of comfort and peace and you will enjoy talking to people and not being on your own with the Devil leading your life. If you garden, you see God working everyday. So join his family and change your life. Throw a pebble in the pool and see the ripples. That is what you do every day you touch someone in your life. You either spread love or you turn to yourself and spread evil. We are all that way from when we are born. Me, me ,me. You need to grow up and turn off the old self and join the Holy family. That is your only job here on earth. Turn to the Lord Jesus and ask for his help. You can not do it on your own and if you and your husband want to be at peace you need to talk about this.

Buy him a fishing rod. If he will not use it, you use it.

Sounds like you need two gardens.

Could you put in a garden big enough for you to both work in and sell produce, by the roadside, like you do with the ramps in the Spring? You seem to enjoy it.

Keith

Try this line on him - How can I miss you if you never leave?

Actually, wifey and I were and are both loners. We understand each other and get along very well. Two loners who are very close.

I asked Fanny what she had to say on the subject. Her response was and I quote: "Granny used to always say that the baby that don't cry don't get the teat". Colombians....sheesh!

So from what I gather,Jerry is taking over the chores you used to do in the garden?
Why not ask Jerry to cultivate another garden so you can both have your alone time doing what you want.
Maybe Jerry wants to spend more time with you in the garden?
You will need to discuss it with each other in a nice way.I realize you are concerned about him maybe taking it the wrong way-so you will have to approach the conversation carefully.

Lol. I did that on Monday.

We have 3 actually and it's all yhe same.in all of them.lol

And these are bigger gardens.lol

2 gardens not in direct view of each other.

Yes. That's what we've done. We have a strawberry patch just coming on. A watermelon field ..that's always been my baby...and a large garden with every type of produce you can imagine for the farmers market.

Communication is the thing only that will fix the problem. If u were unintentionally doing something that was bothering him wouldn't u want him to let u know about it?

I like it.lol

Since I'm divorced.........I'll just sit back and try to learn here.............

I'm not a good communicator. I have a hard time talking to him because ehe so3s go overboard and get upset.

I to him something about Graham crackers 15 yes ago..that was true but I was teasing him... and to this day he still wont eat them.

He's not real emotional or sympathetic so when we do have an intimate conversation concerning how we are feeling it ushly ends badly.

We can talk all day everyday about anything else but when it comes to our relationship we Booth seem to get on the defensive real fast...

As far as he's concerned if something is bothering you. Ignore it..it will eventually go away.

Jerry is probably also missing his alone time. My Dad was the gardener and he spent many hours after retirement watching it to make sure it was growing right. When he wasn’t doing that he was talking to the horse. You guys need to talk about it and you need to get your garden back. Jerry needs to find something else that he enjoys. I bet he already knows that,

Adjusting to spending over 6 more months together isn’t just going to go away.

Tell him how great everything looks and how much you appreciate the hard work he has been doing, then ask him if there is anything that you could do to help him as you miss the your time in the garden and having the feeling of a good days work and accomplishment that your gardening has brought you in the past. Maybe ask him to build you some flower beds that you could then tend for summer wedding bouquets but just let him know that you'd like something to do to get you outside that you can call your own.

Does he enjoy wood working? He could build and sell spice racks or cutting boards.

He's trying to find his place and show you he can take care of things.

Just my .02 and according to my gal I'm probably wrong so there is that

We talked extensively before I retired. Hours and hours and hours. I had reached the point where I felt like the FarSide cartoon that showed the kid raising his hand and saying, “Teacher, can I be excused? My brain is full”.
I’d had it with management and couldn’t take it anymore. Too many dictates from too many people. It was time to leave.

My wife was still working full time. I was trapping and had a part time job offer that looked good. The wife thought I couldn’t just leave work and just trap, meaning I needed to be needed by a job.

Jerry needs a job. With the unemployment rate pushing south of 4%, there are plenty of places that can use him. Then he needs a list of things to do around the house like cleaning gutters, putting in patio stones, washing the exterior window surfaces, fixing the picnic table, mowing the lawn, cleaning up his shop, painting the house. Anything to make him feel he is contributing to the benefit of both of you.

You’re not going to be 100% alone and neither is he. Both of you will need to compromise. Your marriage depends on communication as well as alone time.

Actually he says he doesn't. He repeatedly tells me.how happy he is just to be home so we can be together.

He is the only man I've ever known who wants me in every part of his life.everyday.

I lo e him for it but at the same time I need alone time..it doesn't mean I love him any less it's just that for my sanity I need that time.

I love him and I know he loves me..believe me or with all the issues with my kids and stuff... if he didn't he'd have been gone a long time ago.

I'd never day anything to hurt him intentionally that's why it's hard to talk to him about this because I'm afraid it's gonna hurt him.

I can understand. If u chose not to talk to him ur best option might be find yourself another hobby. Maybe a milk cow. Needs fed and milked twice a day and you can spent time making butter out of the cream. Let her dry up when Jerry's trapping and u don't need another hobby

Lots of marriages have ended because a man without a job gets underfoot real fast. Tell him you both need some space. Put it in terms of both needing the space.

On the brighter side, he’ll get tired of not working by mid-summer and look for a job on his own. He likes his alone time too. Hang in there.

We've talked about a milk cow but he doesn't really want on because he said it'd tie us down too much. I've churned butter before.

Teacher. I do believe that he will end up working somewhere. I think that once he runs out of things to do he will have to.lol

He's told me that he's bee alone for 35 years. And he was on the ranch that now he's ready for us to be together and I want him with me. I love e him but I need somethings that help me to cope with issues I have. And gardening is/was my thing.

I don't want him out of the garden altogether. I just needs some weeds to hoe to.

I took the job I have now so we'd have some income coming in regularly for the day to dy necessities without having to go into savings.

I'm committed to him and our relationship and doing whatever I can to make our lives better I just need that alone time. Not just from him..from everyone...from time to time.
Ya know what I mean,?

I bet you forgot the boat.

Do you have any farm animals? I'm still working everyday and have 4 small kids but I really enjoy raising my chickens, turkey and peacock and usually a few cattle for beef. I like the time spent fooling around with them and raising the chicks. I am up to 3 incubators running full time now

Neither of us are boat type of fishing people.

I really thank you guys for your advice.

It's very helpful to learn how yall how yall or would handle my situation.

Thank you. I really mean it.

Now, you sound like my wife. I plan to retire sometime this year too. She keeps telling me I'll end up just sitting around watching TV and doing nothing. Wrong! I have so much I want to do before I die. I have a woods that's overrun with Buckthorn that I want to get rid of . I have a lot of downed trees I want to cut up. I want to finally have time to do a decent job on my garden. Plus, we have a house on a lake 50 miles away. I want to spend some quality time fishing. Right now I only have time to go on weekends. I want to be able to go when the fish are biting and the weather is nice. I still want to shoot a few more elk and deer while I'm still able to.

I started as an insurance agent August of 1967. The way I figure it, that's nearly 55 years ago. The way I see it, I put my working time in. It's time to quit. And I have a daughter that's itchin to take over my insurance agency. She's been with me over 25 years and really understands insurance. She deserves what I will leave her.

I think I just need to be more understanding.
All he's ever known has been working out there and I think maybe he feels a little lost.

He's not doing everything to knock me out of doing it. I think he's just trying to keep busy and do thise things so I won't have to..now that he's home.

I've told him how good everything looks..the yard and the garden because it does. I brag on him all the time because he's one heck of a worker.

I guess I could have worse problems from him..hub?

I love him.amd he loves me and we are just going to have to find our places in our "new" relationship.

He's going to Minnesota tomorrow to sell the beaver and castor.

He'll be gone till Sunday morning sometume.

I'm gonna take that opportunity to piddle in the garden and get my head on straight.

I know he's doing the things he's doing because he's kinda lost like I said and he doesn't want me to have to do it when I come home from work.

He's repeatedly said I shouldn't have to work..it's his job and I've told him he's taken care of things a longtime now it's my turn to make some.money for us.

I've always worked but this is the best paying job I've had.

I want him to have time to find himself and his spot in his new life too..

It's a drastic change. From being a ranch foreman..


He has job offers all the time because he's a hard worker . He's worked for people on here before.. heck he used to trim Christmas trees for Bob (This word is unacceptable on Trapperman).

He's not afraid of hard work by any means..there's a couple guy's in Colorado who'd put him to work tomorrow but I don't want him to work his life away and then have no time to take it easy.

He deserves to be able to work for himself and do what he wants and he deserves to have an understanding life partner because he's a good man.

I have to do better by him and be more understanding because at th end of the day I love him and I'd be lost without him.

Maybe you need to compile an extensive "honeydo" list that will satisfy his need to be busy but not overlap the activities you want for yourself

Now you’re advising both men and women on how to train their significant others. Is your expertise based on your own training?

I thought he trapped away during the winter" so if he worked from may til nov, and trapped from nov til apr, when was he home?

My wife was worried when I retired that as she put it I'd cramp her style.

We stay out of each others way. I have things to do that don't invole her and she ahs stufff that don't involve me.

We do stuff together too.

You gotta get either him or yourself a hobby to keep out of each others hair.

I think you’re skirting my question.

Have you tried to get on the show "Alone"?

Not retired but my wife has her things she likes to do and I have mine. I was told very very early in our marriage it wouldn’t last if we didn’t do everything together. This July will be 26 years and most of the folks that said that are now divorced.
I have my out of state turkey tours and she has her cruises. She just got back from one and after “our family” beach trip, she’s taking another, lol. Do we miss each other while the other is gone? You bet. But it’s better to miss each other some than being charged with murder, lol!!!

Any advice I gave came things I learned from the school of hard knocks.

He was home from Nov 3rd till about Dec 1st when he goes to arkansas.. Then Dec 22 till Jan 2Arkansas. He's home but while he was home.home just means hes in wv. Because then he stays at his house for 10 days to trap northern wv.then he's in the mntns at his brothers for a wee or so.

Then Jan 31 he's in Mississippi until March 3rd or 4th. Then he was home tiill april 30th to May 10 depending.

E figured up one time he was actually here together for about 93 or so days a year..if that.

Get a hobby away from home. I have no clue what your interests are so can't help there.

Volunteer to help out at a local homeless shelter or a battered women's shelter. That will help you to put things in perspective

If all else fails, I have a garden that always needs weeding and a few acres of grass that needs mowed every week. I wouldn't mind letting you do that and then I could have more time for one of my hobbies which is chasing a white ball around.

Good luck!!

Of those 90 or.so.days we are together 85 of them

Thanks computer hater. Problem is gardening was my jobby.lol

I feel like he changed job and I'm the one who retired.against My will

It’s easy to love someone that you only spend 3 months a year with. That other 9 can take it’s toll. Haha

At least it did with me.

You’ll figure it out and live happily ever after.

Do you think that he might feel like he has left all this "extra" work for you to do for all these years and now feels like he is making up to you for all the years that you had to do it all yourself? Basically, he retired and took your job.

No real advice but learn to adjust to not having to be productive all the time. For me it was not easy to do that. I also feel I made the error in thinking that "retirement is something you enter or go into" After a few years I feel a better thought process woud have been that it is something I let come to me instead of going to get.

Bryce

my aunt and uncle , had the same problem, she finally had to tell him , to find something to doon his own, he stated taking walks, was up to 10 miles, then he got active in the legion and that took up all his spare time

Send him a link to this thread.

For heaven's sake woman, talk to the man about how you're feeling. Men aren't complicated, and will usually work for a solution when confronted with a problem. Sometimes I think some "folks" enjoy the turmoil they put themselves through.

If these 2 can make it work….you should have no problem

I have my Cows , 12 fruit trees. 200 pines. Garage , chicken coops. I do projects off Pinterest, Build birdhouse and feeders. Sell on Etsy. Garden is mine 98% canning is hers.

She works as a Nurse part time. Picks up shifts when she wants.
She has her Stained Glass room. Kitchen is hers/ ours.

We do separate to do lists all day. But take breaks randomly together.

We do lunch and a crime show between 12noon and 130 ishbut it varies on our time needs .

Division of chores is really needed. Space is needed.
Pinterest gave me 1000 ideas to make stuff for our Farm.
Welder helped with those ideas.

We meet in the morning do separate things...meet and talk over the things we've done or life on the farm stuff.

So I'd say separate to do lists are important. Divide chores . Get new for sale hobbies that you each do. But not together.