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"The Trooper"

Posted By: Donnersurvivor

"The Trooper" - 12/03/20 04:35 AM

Inspired by Iron maidens "The Trooper"

We marched here from the Russian cold
Save Saint Sophia we were told
Shoulder to shoulder we stand proud
We own the high ground

Generals relaxed as he looks around
It would be foolish to charge us now
Hear a bugle from down below
British horses are a go

They kick their mounts hard in their sides
Even a horse knows this is suicide
Our guns open to a murderous blow
Dead men start to pile down below

I never wanted to kill a man
He comes at me Saber in hand
Raise my musket fire a shot
Iím the instrument of a murderous plot

Horse and trooper lay on the sand
Blade still clutched in his hand
He catches my gaze and looks to the sky
An awful groan as a poor man dies

Brits now hold the high ground
Beyond Saint Peter they be found
We shall meet again one day
Hold open the gates for us we pray
Posted By: Donnersurvivor

Re: "The Trooper" - 12/03/20 04:44 AM

I'm open to critique. There is only one line in this poem that really bothers me and needs to be fixed in my humble opinion.
Posted By: James

Re: "The Trooper" - 12/03/20 11:38 AM

I'm no poet. I don't even pretend to understand modern free-form poetry. But you've posted rhyming poetry, so I'll take a stab at a critique. Take it for what it's worth.

My understanding is traditional rhyming poetry should ordinarily have the same number of feet in the rhyming lines.

The rhyming lines of your poem don't have the same number of feet. There's a fine distinction between a foot and a syllable, but for intents and purposes they're the same. Here is one example of mismatched feet:

Raise my musket fire a shot [seven feet]
I'm the instrument of a murderous plot [eleven feet]

Which frankly, sounds a bit clumsy to me. Rhyming poetry almost always sound better, is more fluid and natural, if the feet of the rhyming lines match. Making the effort to write lines that rhyme and have the same number of feet is part of the art.

Here are two lines I just wrote for an example:

There once was a man from Triscuit, [eight feet]
Baked a mouth-watering biscuit [eight feet]

These two lines, as bad of verse as they are, have the same number of feet. (Counting "baked" as one foot, as "bak'd," instead of two, "Bak-ed.") The lines I wrote could be the opening of a limerick. Limericks have matching feet, which lead to part of their appeal. Maybe I'll finish it someday.

Jim
Posted By: Donnersurvivor

Re: "The Trooper" - 12/04/20 01:10 AM

I will try and look into that more. I have little formal knowledge when it comes to writing. I mostly just wanted to tell a story, the story from the Russians perspective at the "Charge of the light brigade"

These are the lyrics to "The Trooper"

You'll take my life but I'll take yours, too
You'll fire your musket but I'll run you through
So when you're waiting for the next attack
You'd better stand, there's no turning back
The bugle sounds as the charge begins
But on this battlefield no one wins
The smell of acrid smoke and horses' breath
As you plunge into a certain death
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
The horse he sweats with fear, we break to run
The mighty roar of the Russian guns
And as we race towards the human wall
The screams of pain as my comrades fall
We hurdle bodies that lay on the ground
And the Russians fire another round
We get so near yet so far away
We won't live to fight another day
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
We get so close, near enough to fight
When a Russian gets me in his sights
He pulls the trigger and I feel the blow
A burst of rounds takes my horse below
And as I lay there gazing at the sky
My body's numb and my throat is dry
And as I lay forgotten and alone
Without a tear I draw my parting groan
Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh
Posted By: James

Re: "The Trooper" - 12/04/20 05:04 AM

Ah, I didn't see the connection. Good job.

Jim
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