Toughest Dead Critter Job EVER!

In this business, we've all had that occasional "something died under my house!" job. It's never pleasant but we do it just the same. Normally, it just means crawling up under a house and following your nose to the problem. Then just scoop it up, stuff it in a plastic bag, maybe sprinkle out a little lime to neutralize the smell and get out.

Well, todays job wasn't quite that simple. What I rolled up on was a rather large old farm house that had been converted into a restaurant that was converted into a sewing manufacturer of some sort that had been converted into a church. Needless to say there was an obstacle course of old heating duct, disregarded plumbing pipes, thrown away wiring and cable lines, bricks, discarded wood rot boards and such and wadded up vapor barrier everywhere underneath this building. In the best spots, I had maybe 18 inches of space to crawl. But most of it, my back was scrubbing floor joist as my belly bulldozed through dirt.

They told me that the smell was mostly up near the front of the building, and luckily, there was access where the heat and air crew had removed an old AC unit. I was just barely able to squeeze my fat self through that hole and began my search. The front wall from corner to corner as well as most of the center that I could reach from THIS side of a heating duct trunk line turned up nothing.

As I crawled back toward the access hole where I started, more in the center to get around that main trunk line, I crawled across a spot where the odor of death hit my nose. Finally! I'm getting close! I searched right there closely, looking inside discarded duct work and some old drain lines. Nothing. But I could move two feet in any direction and loose the smell. Baffled, I continued on.

On the back side of the building, in the far corner of the back side of the building, I noticed something odd. It appeared to be a gopher mound. Yeah! A gopher mound UNDER the building! The dirt was piled up in the corner all the way past the floor joist. Down either side of the mound, against the wall, I could see critter tracks. In the dim light, in the cramped quarters, I couldn't make a positive ID of them but I assumed it must be gopher tracks. But as I approached the mound, I noticed the smell again. Still could see nothing!

With my little military entrenching tool, I started to dig into the side of the mound. Just out of the corner was a pillar holding up a drop sill. The mound flowed down on either side of it. I dug on the first side until I could reach no further. Still found nothing. On the other side of the pillar, I started digging.

WHOAH!!! I'm DEFINITELY in the right place now! The more I dug, the stronger the odor got! Until, I removed one shovel full of dirt and saw gray matter dripping into the fresh hole I just made. There it is! Only problem was, it was just out of reach. I'll have to pull it out with the shovel. And in doing so, of course, it fell apart! It had decomposed to the point where, as I dug, gray mush, with fur floating in it, flowed down the fresh slope like lava from a slow spewing volcano. Finally, I saw a tail. Giving it a gentle tug, I was able to pull the rest of it down to where I could scoop it onto the shovel and dump it in the bag. Mr. Possum had crawled up there looking a way out and expired on the back side of the gopher mound. You should thank me for not getting any pictures! It was more liquid than meat at this point.

But with the cadaver in the bag, I limed it heavy, threw some fresh dirt back over the stain and headed for the access point on the opposite side of the building from where I came in.

But the ordeal wasn't over yet! Oh, no! My new escape point, while much closer than the hole where I came in, was still a good 80 or 90 feet away! And plenty more pipes, wires, brick and blocks to crawl over. Plenty of stuff just reaching to snagg the vulnerable plastic bag I had in my hands which held the liquefied marsupial. And it seemed that the ground was growing higher!

Finally, I was just inches away from fresh air! Tossing tools out into the daylight, I carefully settled the bag outside the access hole and then squeezed my body through the opening. My chest was pressed into the ground as my back was scrubbing the outer sill. One final groan and I was back in the cool fresh air of the great outdoors, where I just laid on my back for a while catching my breath.

My brand new rubber gauntlets now need to be defunkafied, my Tyvek coveralls shredded like I've been fighting with a bobcat, a greasy smear on my entrenching tool and my hair matted with sweat on a day where the high temperature never got above 71 degrees.

I don't get paid nearly enough!

It looks like most people were like me, in I quit trying to figure out what you were saying, as it was too long, and that is why no one commented.

I think you would have gotten allot of responses with a shorter version which went something like:

I got called for a job in the mother of all stinks. It reminded me of the time I was in Vietnam and had to go after the VC in the tunnels, as it was under the house. I crawled under, got trapped in a cave in, battling Sasquatch, and had to dig my way through to the source, which was a dead possum. Fire rescue had arrived as the stench had brought in the migrating buzzard swarms from Ohio, that they blotted out the sun. I held my breath to the first glimpse of light, and then passed out, only to recover from mouth to mouth from a young looking Raquel Welch EMT. A passing bus of Hooter Hot Wings delivery girls stopped, provided food and beverages and they all wanted their pictures taken with me.

I will post photos as proof if I get lots of comments.

Keep your stories short, until you mention hot babes, and then you can say anything as that is the secret to a good story.

PS Am glad you survived.






No one went to my plays when it was Romeo and the Guys. I put girls in and I could not print enough tickets.

The post was great, I felt I was there with you! Now you know why I do mainly moles. LOL

Kept my attention, Muddawg. I like writing / reading a post with a bit of substance


Star Flakes; I never knew Billy Boy had his ear pierced!

Wow that was a job and a half

It's hard to get paid enough for those jobs.

Star Flake,

There are mainly 5 reasons why I post.
1) To ask questions
2) To answer someone else's questions
3) To talk business and share advice
4) To share a cool picture I may have
Or, 5) To tell a joke or a good story.

It's not about how many responses I can get. It's all about entertaining those people who actually enjoy reading a good story.

While your little short story may have been entertaining to some, I found it hard to follow, lacking in facts and filled with "fluff". I like to write about real experiences, day to day truths. When you can take the mundane, day to day occurrences and make them interesting and exciting for people to read, then you are a writer!

I have had a few of those similar circumstances in my life time. Over the last several years I have learned to turn some of them down as I know what it may lead too in tying up my day. Its good there are some folks that still offer this service. I enjoyed reading your experience as I have been there too many times and shows how this ADC work isn't all a bed of roses trapping animals etc.

I had a similar job, but mine wasn't through the maze of pipes and duct work as yours. The critter however was in the same condition as yours. Luckily it had died on the visqueen, so after getting the owners permission I was allowed to cut the plastic that held all the juicy animal parts and roll it up. Guy actually paid me double my rate as he was happy to have it gone.

Nice write up muddawg I thought it was very well written and
Wasn’t too Long bc you kept it interesting.

Nasty. Glad you survived without losing your lunch

Thanks for sharing the story. It felt a bit like reading out of one of James Herriot’s chapters.