Time to tell the Family

to go screw themselves. When is the appropriate time? I have held my tongue over the years and have went out of my way to to help at my expense. One reason I moved to South Carolina from Florida. Been here13 years and none have come to visit. They expect me to come to them and that was the way when i lived just 50 miles from all of them.
So, this year I've extended the olive branch one more time about a few of us getting together and seeing a college football game(all the men folk love college football). I would be the one occuring the greatest expense/time and yet I get lame arse excuses.

I'm thinking about setting the boundaries and go from there. Or do I hold my tongue and except that is the way things have and always will be. And I stay in my corner and live and do what I want without giving a flip as in trying to be a family member. Sarge

Sounds like a plan...

You can only be a family member if you, or they, choose to or not to.

I would just mellow and just ride things out quietly. I used to take a long vacation every year to Florida. When my mother retired to NC I split my time visiting her and then going to Florida for fun in the sun. I kinda hated it at the time as Florida was more fun.

Then she passed away. I look back now and am glad I spent the time with her. I can go to Florida anytime it will be there. I am very grateful for the time I spent with my mom.

Yep, i know family can cause the greatest heartaches known to man. I haven't been back in nearly 6 years( i do call) since my Dad passed away. It sucks.

I would just stay away from toxic people and drama. No point in upping the drama by giving them a piece of your mind. Doesn't accomplish anything and won't even make you feel better.

As to helping: I'm not sure what helping really means here but...

Are you helping someone who is your responsibility like your minor child? If not, it's not your job. Decline to "help" as politely as you can next time it comes up and if they get mad, tell them you'd be happy to talk about it when they've calmed down. And then, stop participating.

I suspect that as soon as you stop helping, they will stop being interested.

My wife hasn't talked to her mother in almost 30 years. She isn't mad at her. It still makes her sad. But mom was really, really crazy and bad for my wife, so she had to cut ties to be healthy. Family isn't always easy.

The less time I spend with the comings and goings of the self centered and outright negative ppl I know the happier I am bud. Does it suck that some of them are family? Sure it does but the rule still stands.

I just don't want to get the dreaded phone call and have any regrets. But, at the same time, it shouldn't be one sided. Sarge

I don't do facebook. So, i really don't know what they are doing most of time. Not sorry about not being on facebook. Can't stand the crap. So, I suppose if i don't call or text. I won't know how they are doing. Just chewed my brothers arse for not telling me he went under the knife until I called to see if he was interested in going. He fully understood where i was coming from when I hung up the phone. This is the kind of crap I'm talking about.

Why should YOU have any regrets if YOU have "extended the olive branch" . . . screw 'em.

you cant change other people and dont expect your wants to be theirs. My good friend retired master sgt 27 yrs is the most easy going guy I know,and accepts people for who they are. I think he has it cornered.

As I've gotten older, I am less interested in what most family is doing. I have my wife and kids and they are the priority. I am plenty busy and am not looking for more obligations.

You don't have to get too wound up about it. Don't go visit. If they don't visit you, that's on them. Don't feel guilty about it and it doesn't have to be a conflict. It just is what it is and I wish you luck thinking this through.

My $0.02.

Depends on how and what you tell them. Telling them you are disappointed in a harmless tone is one thing as compared to telling them off. If you do the former, then go on with your life. I have had friends and family ask me over the years why I never visit and I said it is a two way street. I say stop over and visit sometime and then I let it go.

You moved several hundred miles away and their behaviors did not change. Evidently the pattern(s) have been set or established and time and distance is not changing behavior. Also based on their past responses they are not going to care much if you are spending the most time and costs, so I would not play the victim game with them as they probably could care less. I guess from my perspective why would I want to spend a day with a group of guys that really are not into family that much or at all and it takes a sporting event to even get a rise if that even takes place. I would work harder and longer on establishing relationships with friends who will be there for you when needed.

Bryce

I will think this through. I'm ready to go by myself. Much easier at times. I'm thinking about calling it off and marking off a bucket list item. Might go to Tallahassee and see FSU(my favorite team ) and Notre Dame at night on Sept. 5th. Less stress on my part.

The more I deal with people (family included) the more I like my dog. I walked away from my toxic family about 15 years ago. The only regret was not doing it sooner. I still have a few family members that I stay in touch with and they all understand but don't have whatever it takes to do what I did. Life is so much less complicated now.

I mostly like the peace and quiet of being alone.....

Who is family?
I don’t see my brothers and sister that often but we keep in touch through text. Talk to my mom and dad daily. My baby brother who I’m probably the closest to lives in Washington and I’m planning a hunt out there the next year or so with his house as base camp. We ALL are going to a family reunion on Dads side in Texas this month so I’ll get to see everyone, including the one brother from California…that should be entertaining. While we don’t visit often or keep on a day to day correspondence, if defecation hit the cooling apparatus, they’d show up as would I.
As far as wife and kids, they’ll always be around and close. Two still at home, one lives across the street, and one about 30 miles away. Don’t think I could get rid of the wife if I tried!

Seems to me the one thing you hate all the crap on, Facebook, is what you need to have to learn about what the family is doing, be cheaper in the long run, when one or the other gets upset you just check out !

No one to twist your arm or you theirs to do anything with anyone !

Maybe you having a trial of your mortality and feeling guilty about the relationships, who knows, but obviously you have no control about any type of relationships having been away and even there not doing anything, seems like a family that is happy jabbering on the phone once every year or more and thats it.

Don't know why anyone wants to be around any one else, when those don't care about you being around them !

You are so lucky that your family doesn't come to see you. Sounds like heaven.

Interesting thought when it's put that way.

Sgt I get your frustration.
I have friends whi are family and family that are strangers. I know nothing about my nieces and nephews. My oldest nephew graduated this year wasn't even told when he'll graduate let alone when the party is.

X2
It's more peaceful without the drama for sure

That is the truth!!
My closest family doesn't even speak English (as their first language).

I have always stood for what I believe in and is right, and expressed that. I have swallowed a lot of pride and even set my beliefs aside for my blood family and my wife for to long. I will no longer, I decided this a few years ago. They live and associate with life styles and dishonesty I cannot be associated with. My view is pretty black and white. I have told them so and if they do not like my positions they have made the choices they have made. I cannot go through life being a hypocrite to myself, to please others. I cannot associate with people that live immoral lives and are dishonest in so many ways. My wife and children understand my perspective, my brother and mother as well. All the rest are outside my world.
I cannot even associate with them on any level when they deny what we were taught and raised with. Even being around them now, implies I accept their views, and I cannot do it.

Most people tend to be selfish, or caught up in their own lives, work, or drama, and family get togethers can be strained by old insults, imagined or real, jealousy, or by just being difficult people...

I wouldn't bother sending another olive branch, or call them, I'll bet none of them notices.

I had to fire my brother, who was always difficult, after my folks passed... he was a secret , he thought, alcoholic that burned all his bridges, wouldn't accept help till even his kids bailed on him....I offered to do what I could but eventually I had to let him go, but that only works if your guilt free...

They may be family, but that doesn't mean you have to like them.
,

SGT.C,
Sorry to hear of what you describe as crap.
I'll give you a perspective from another angle and you can toss it in the pile you decide.

You describe wanting a relationship.
It seems, in your brief description others may not.
We are relational beings, created as such.... so you have that "urge."

What I do in ministry is the "opposite" of what family and friends "often" try to do, and these are ok, as family REALLY REALLY yearns for a relationship!
Family and friends, in pursuit of relationship tries to fix, heal, save, or rescue the person they seek a relationship with.
But, realize, you can only control "you." How do you act when they don't want fixing? Do you smile and shrug shoulders or get angry? When you try to heal relationships and they say no thanks, how do "you" take it? Screw them? Or oh well.

It ain't easy but it makes what I do rather simple. Just be present NOT trying to fix, save, heal, or rescue. Just park in proximity of the relationship which is really just a physical presence with each other. Hang out, in other words.

You know, many people, because of their personality or upbringing, seem unable to NOT try to fix, heal, save, or rescue others in a family or friendship - which may be viewed as trying to control the other person - and those others may sense all the fixing attempts going on, and view it as "advice they don't want" and say screw this or screw you for trying.

Put down the spears and just smile and be among them if they allow it. If they don't allow it, maybe go through this theme with them and see what they say.

Most families I deal with are ALL caught up in trying the fix, save, heal, or rescue each other and the whole thing is... as you say.... crap.

Good luck.
Blessings,
Mark

I don't seem to have any family any more, I never seen any around when I was sick and needed a bit of help a few years ago.

Mark I respect and understand what you are saying. Sgt. C and I are different in that he is still seeking that relationship. I have been where Sgt. C is but cannot in good concisions be around family that live or accept alternative life styles, stab me and my wife in the back, and not even show any remorse for what they do or have done. Being around that to me condones their lives and I do not and cannot do that. Sgt. C there comes a point where you have done all you can and one has to accept who you are what you believe and live your life. Best

I have yet to hear a person as they leave this world proclaim with glee (as some seem to be saying)
"I sure am glad I proved my point to so and so!"

I hear quite the opposite.

Do they have to look like us? Smell like us? Think like us? Act like us? to get a stamp of our approval?
There's always been diversity.
There will always be diversity.

My point was I can only control what I do.
Same for y'all.
That's as far as my power cord reaches.

Example: I had a couple's son this week screaming, cussing, and throwing a fit - at his mom and dad - in a hospital room - as an Advanced Directive was being considered by mom (who's dying) and dad. I understand grief and I understand the son is upset his mom won't be among us for very much longer, but mom and dad wanted him, their only son, to understand mom's wish. Son did not. I simply suggested that he "consider" his dying mom's wish. He did not. Even for a moment.
F-bombed his way out the ICU door as he left.
You see >>>> He wants to tell mom how she should act, even when she is the one gravely ill.

See how some of this works? You strip it all down to the bare bones and what have we got? Pride? Anger? Revenge? Envy? Who knows.

SGT.C: Good luck sir.
It ain't easy when us humans are involved!

I know that sometimes it's hard as a busy adult to find the time to get together. I would love to see my family more often, but it doesn't always work out. Don't give up on them, just try again later.

If you burn that bridge, it may be gone forever.

I haven't had any contact with my brothers since my parents last few weeks back in 2008.

Come to think of it I had very little contact with them before that.

Life is good.

Why would anyone highlight the fact that they lit the match?

Mark June,
You're getting pretty smart in your old age. Lol

I agree 100% with what you posted above.

SW,
Well the old fits like a glove.
Not sure about the smart .

Blessings,
Mark

Well, it's done. I'm not one for postponing the inevitable. I made it clear to all tonight. Sad on hand and feel free on the other. The right thing at times cost dearly, but, is needed to move forward.

Thanks to all the advice. This is way I reached out for a very personnel time in my life. Thanks for all and the T-man family. Time to get busy living or get busy dying. Sarge

well I would say just hold your tongue ,and go see them. be the better person , I have a brother that left right after high school , for 36 years and now in later life wonders why he don't know are family ,he moved all over the country , this was his choice I tell him ,

There is always that one person in the family that gets offended by every little thing they perceive as a personnel slight. Always causing drama .Maybe you need to ask yourself who that person is?

I agree with the last 2 posts. You moved away, why do you expect others to come see you?

I assure you.Drama isn't it.I would love for you to know the whole story, But i just take have the time nor energy
Re-read the post,i was going to them. Done seemed to want nor careIt wasn't what they wanted to do. Also,the rare times they came my way,they were only 8 miles away,but only wanted to meet along the interstate for lunch for about an hour when we hadn't seen each other in 2-4:years. So i'm the one who wanted to see them and would travel. Only to be told,thanks butno thanks for spending time together. I only heard excuses why they could't.
So,read and think it through before you judge me for my decision.
If your family is close. Feel blessed. Sarge

I am trying to figure out why you would call them and tell them anything. Only reason I can see is you are hoping they will beg no. I say cut off all contact even if they call. Who needs the head ache? What are they good for? A head ache and heart burn? When I am done, I am done, not after I call and say goodbye.

Made sure as to not mislead my intentions. Made perfectly clear. Sarge