The road to H_ll was paved with good intentions.

Flatter than a platter of [Please excuse my language... I'm an idiot].

I'm so old I don't buy green bananas

First time I heard that joke I kicked the slats out of my cradle.

and a French one... He farts higher than his butt.

Don't let your alligator mouth overload your hummingbird butt.

Boy, I can smack a knot on your head a calf could suck.

USMC's wife told me when they make whoopie he has to be on the bottom, cause all he can do is screw up.

He's knee-walking drunk

He's drunker than a boiled owl

Shining like a diamond in a goat's azz.

Prettier than a speckled pup.

weaker than a fart in a whirlwind.

That girl is Finer than frogs hair

That price is higher than Giraffe p****

Telling some see later" keep your gown down"

Happier then a woodpecker in a lumber yard.
Colder then aunt Lucys pump handle.
Fits like a saddle on a sow.

Crazier than a 3 peckered billy goat.
Handier than a pocket on a shirt.
Handier than a hole in your pocket.
Beat him like a rented mule.
It's like putting a 100 dollar saddle on a 10 dollar horse.
Like putting lipstick on a pig.

How'd you get her number!?!? I told her not to give away my secrets!

The dog would've caught the rabbit IF he hadn't stopped to schit

I didnt read them all but "Busier than a cat in a litter box"

Colder than an old hooker's heart.

I'm just a man with two shoes.

Faster than a prom dress comes off.

tighter than a snakes arse crossin a salt mine

Life's too short to dance with ugly women!

I'm so hungry I could eat a child with chickenpox.

I haven't been so happy since the hogs ate my brother.


My great-granpa had quite a few good ones!

Slower than molasses on a January day

You go any slower you're gonna lap yourself

Colder than a witch's t1t in December

Strong like bull smart like tractor

Did you eat a bowl of stupid for breakfast?

hes as disappointed as billy ray cyrus
slower then a cat covering crap in the Klondike.

*pats fat belly***

fuller than a tick on a hound dog..