^^^^

Good one

* My friend asked me, “What are your plans for the weekend?” I said, “I’m going to buy glasses.” She said, “And then what?” I replied, “I’ll see...”

* I made a New Year resolution to lose 20 pounds! Only 24 pounds to go!

* A man walks into a bar. As he sits down, he looks up and notices three pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender: What’s with the meat? The bartender says: You get free drinks for an hour if you can jump up and slap all three pieces at once. If you miss even one, you pay for everyone else’s drinks for the rest of the night. Wanna give it a go? The man takes another look at the meat and says: I think I’ll pass. The steaks are too high.

Better not Fart over an open Flame!! Then you would have to explain the third degree anal burns at the ER!!!

^^ but what if the mosquito lands on your enemies nose!?