Having just completed this task I thought I might try to describe it to help prevent my colleagues from running afoul of this trap of a job description.

If it is true that the "craziest animals" we deal with are our clients then dealing with the motion picture industry is crazy in spades. These people are "just ain't right" as we say around these parts. Don't get me wrong some individuals seem to be really decent folk and by all appearances they seem to be quite the consumate professionals in whatever it is they seem to be doing but when it comes to what we are professionals at doing and them we speak an entirely different language.

I am going to have a difficult time trying to describe just how dissatisfied I am with the nature of this work as on the one hand it is some of the easiest money I have ever made and was overall treated quite well, other than what I percieved as an overall air of condescention to my skills, but on the other I know I was completely unable to provide them with what I felt they wanted to receive.

Let me begin by trying to explain my understanding of the whole filming process as I perceive it from my short observation of the process. It seems the the concept for the finished project is conceived and and plotted out in it's entirety from start to finish, including an announced completion (release) date, prior to the first roll of film being shot. This immediately creates an interesting phenomena, money and time become of no object and the whole project takes on a strange life of it's own that steam rolls all other considerations. Strange as it may seem the only other activity I have ever participated in that compares is that of a planned and enacted military operation, without all the saluting of course.

Just like the miltary for every front line combat operative (the play actors in this case) there is a whole company of support personnel in the rear whose sole function is to make the action happen at the front. Also like the military there is a command staff, and I stress staff in this case as there appears to be a whole slough of aide de camps, logisticians and planners to make all this possible. In this case I would make the conservative estimate of somewhere in the neighborhood of three hundred or so persons in or around the entire operation to make the film happen. This includes also the inclusion of an entire fleet of vehicles and large equipment nessesary to move every sort of required and possible ancillary types of equipment for various lighting, electrical, decorating, and even earth moving equipment plus a dedicated fleet of personnel movers, in this case vans. I haven't even began to touch on the victualization and sanitation support, which was outstanding btw with 3 star catering services with continually supplied foods of all types and the latrines were well serviced and air conditioned, more on this later.

Well hopefully I have painted the picture well enough for you by now to get a grasp of the type of operation I was assisting. To say I was rather dumbfounded at first would be putting it mildly but I'm a quick study and hopefully aquitted myself well. I was slow to pick up on the commanding document but I eventually learned that the order of battle for each day was controlled by what is known as the Call Sheet. The Call Sheet is the document that defined in intricate detail the actions of each and every person to either be on set or in direct support of the set in both time and action. Strangely though for whatever reason the position of snake wrangler never made it to the call sheet and that left me at a particular disadvantage and even more so when it became apparent that I was not on the official dissemination list to be provided with said sheet. This was the first of many issues I had performing my service to this client which would lead to some minor issues that led to great frustration on my part. The Call Sheet like most orders of battle often become inoperative after intial contact or due to unforseen factors such as weather and was a document in continual flux with at least three revisions daily with only the final revision of the day being the operative one for the next and then only to indicate how action is to begin on the morrow.

Since this is getting to be a rather long post I see I need to break it up into installments so I'll sign off this one and continue after a short intermission.

Now that I have a fresh hop infused beverage in hand I can resume.

Since I actually worked three different set locations and the main concern I was tasked with at each was snakes I think I now have a grasp of what really concerned these nice folks. I can sum it up in to words, WATER MOCASSINS. All three locations had and involved water and actors in the water.

Now try as I might I doubt I ever got the point across to them that the actual odds of seeing a water mocassin at any of these locations much less experiencing a bad encounter with them was akin to sighting a unicorn. I kind of think they grabbed more onto my caveats of "it is possible considering habitat and proximity to known populations of these snakes" than my statements of "we do not have water mocassins HERE" or "in all my years of doing this I have never seen a single water mocassin HERE". Nor was my gut level honesty, which would later come back to bite me, helpful when I was asked on just which species were common and the known venomous species that could be found HERE. For some reason the mere mention that TIMBER RATTLESNAKES were an extreme outside possiblity and that the most common venomous species was the COPPERHEAD and in spite of my caveats of by sheer percentages of known multi year catch rates I did not expect to see either species during my tenure as a snake wrangler was not enough to dissuade these fine folks of the all to common misperception the the southern states are just crawling with "poisonous" snakes. I'm sure that when all this is said and done there will be a couple british actors who will be able to sit in a pub and regale their mates with tales of braving the elements in as what one said "these snake infested waters". It was at that point I so dearly wished to invite him along on a south Alabama coon hunt in the Tombigbee swamps. If he thought Jackson Lake in Georgia was snake infested he hasn't seen anything.
In his defense he was present when I went into the water to retrieve a smallish Midland Water Snake.
Just a side note here, british males have to be the most foul mouthed individuals I have ever encountered with the act of copulation apparently considered to be a perfectly acceptable adjective for all conversations to describe everything from what one is currently doing to the weather to the time of day. I consider myself the furthest thing from a prude having served my time as a ward of my Uncle Sam among professionals of the spoken vulgarity but the Queen's English as spoken today by her subjects is at a level that is at the same time both amazing and appalling. Even I who some of you know to not have an exactly clean mouth wanted at times to "slap the taste out of" some folks mouths. Apparently chivalry and nobility no longer exist in a land that still claims the nobility.

Another break here for more refreshments.

Continued.....

Considering the hiring process in the whole I feel that I was inadequately prepared for what to expect. My initial contact came from a nice lady in the corporate(?) office to see if I was available to provide snake removal services for a film production. As usual I tried my best to ask all the right questions to best determine exactly what was expected out of me and how best to quote those services. I'm sure all of y'all who've been at this game understand what the customer expects and what we can actually do often isn't the same. What was explained to me was that film personnel would be on site and that I was being asked to make pre filming site inspections to remove any snakes found and to make a determination as to the risk factors involved in filming on that site particularly in regards to venomous reptiles for the protection of the crew and stars, especially the stars. Plus I was asked if it were possible for me to be present on site throughout the course of filming on that particular site in the event a snake should be found. For some reason my usually good radar must have been on the fritz that day as it all seemed quite reasonable to me. My only difficulty seemed to be in determining a fair price for my time. I factored in that I would not be availble to take calls or service my open accounts, fortunately my open accounts were few enough that I could close some early and rain delay others. I figured in a price that reflected my potential income per day that I otherwise could have expected to receive and padded slightly. She didn't blink and that should've been my first clue. She and I exchanged a flurry of emails and I submitted a quote for a flat rate per day with a twelve hour max per day. How little did I know they would take the full twelve hours. This was my only contact with a designated individual with a person by name.
The rest of it was just show up and take cues from whoever appeared to be in charge. A regular cluster from the get. I did agree however to meet with a locations manager the day prior on the first location to perform an inspection. Maybe it's me but I took an instant dislike to this pennsylvania yankee who was full of misinformation on the wildlife native to my area and seemed to full of himself to be bothered with listening to the local who actually knew the flora and fauna.
On the day of the shoot I arrived early as is my norm and did a full walk through of the site to be filmed and was completely alone without a single contact person until I determined that the place where all the activity was across the street so I went there to attempt to locate some person in charge to let my presence be known and to best determine my next course of action. I arrived in an area they called base camp which looked for all the world to be a truck stop which all sorts of odd tractors and trailers parked in an old hay field plus what appeared to be several tents. I first spoke to the sheriffs deputy at the entrance but he didn't appear to know what was going on either. I flagged down several individuals and introduced myself but none of them knew who I was or what I was supposed to do, finally someone said a name of a person I was to meet but first to go get some breakfast at one of the tents. I did so and was impressed at the quality of the food if somewhat unplussed by the types of food offered. In addition to the normal breakfast fare of omelettes cooked to order and the usual run of bacon and poor quality sausage (sadly no grits but I'm used to that from foreigners) they also had available all sorts of fresh vegatables and fruits including what appeared to be sliced raw beets and ginger plus some things I never identified.
I was evtually directed to a nice young lady, who I must admit was quite attractive, who might be able to help me and after my introduction I was told to just "hang out" until told what to do. She then when about whatever it was that she was doing, she seemed quite busy. Eventually I gave up on that and via eavesdropping I found the individual I was told to contact so I introduced myself and asked as to my duties. I was told to follow the crew back to the area I had already searched and to "look for snakes". Well eventually an entire caravan of vehicles left base camp and I jumped in the truck and followed to go somewhere else entirely! I kind of surmised that we would be at this new location, a big hayfield, for a while as they began unloading a ton of equipment and hauling it into the field. I kind of figured I needed to do a fast and dirty inspection to be sure no one got a nasty surprise of the reptile kind so I began a grid search of the area everyone was looking at just to be informed not to do so as I was walking down the grass and it must not be disturbed as the actors were going to run through it. So I had to satisfy myself with walking the woodlines fifty yards from where all the action was. By the time the equipment was set up and a few minutes runjning through tall grass was filmed I had contented myself with with wlaking the dirt road where all the vehicles were parked and talking with the sheriffs deputies for a few hours. I did however get the oppotunity to identify a chupacabra skeleton that had the cast and crew fascinated, it was the remains of a whitetail doe. By that time it was lunch and after everything was torn down and loaded back up we all returned back to base camp for steaks. After lunch we departed for the pond across the road bt instead of the pond we filmed in a bunch of trees out in the old cow pasture. I did a quick down and dirty since there was no grass to trample before I just had to get out of the way of being trampled myself.
I was told to kind of "attach" myself to the medic, another nice young lady who definitely "wasn't from around here" as we say. I can only assume she was fully qulaified as the only medical treatments that seemed to be in need was all sorts of hay fever medications and sunscreen plus the occasional scream from the female lead when a tick was found. I should say here thet the smell of DEET permeated the entire set as it appeared to be purchased and applied extremely liberally. I also observed at this point the grounds crew was kept extremely busy trimming all sorts of small plants and shrubs like virginia creeper and trumpet vines plus a few small hickory and maple saplings to remove "poison ivy", somehow it never dawned on them that the stuff climbing the trees wasn't.
We spent the day there looking at an old international scout while something was filmed. The next day we finally got in the water......

David, you crack me up. I can understand not being overly thrilled with us Yankees but how many of your fellow Georgians use the term "hop infused beverage"?

I do agree about the foul-mouthed British. They think that they're being American.

Sounds like you don't have a shortage of cute, young, members of the opposite sex.

This whole gig sounds like something you can tell your grandkids about. Enjoy it.

Did they give you cool snake handler t-shirts?

You got paid. Most of these TV gigs don't even pay. It could of been a lot worse David;)

Like Paul said now you have another chapter of your life to tell your grandkids.

Paul, as you may or may not know Dixie is the birthplace of the best of american writing. Faulkner, Williams (both Tennessee and Hank), Capote, Lee, Mitchell are among the many and I pattern my style on the late great Lewis Grizzard of Newnan, Ga. While I do like to give the impression of the backwoods Alabama redneck I can thank my english teaching mother for introducing me to the classics of southern literature. Heck, my own clan MacLeod is particularly noted as writers and poets in the Highlands.
BTW, most of "those folks" were californians of some type or georgians of other origins strongly influenced by the californians. Last night I sat and listened to an entire conversation by a fellow who apparently was a resident of Buckhead (an influential neighborhood of Atlanta) and several others over the purchase of a table of all things. It seems that this was a table of some expense and involved the services of some type of advisor on how to decorate one's home. As an observer of the world around me I think I got the critter part down pat but these humans still intrigue me and I am still trying to determine if it is they or I who is insane.

Day two found us around a one acre pond in an old cow pasture. By this time I had done several laps around the pond over the course of several days so I did it again and as predicted no snakes were found. Again I had to satisfy myself for the rest of the day inspecting areas where no one else was ever going to be as I had to stay out of the way. Along about mid day the cry went up "SNAKE" from a point completely opposite from where I was banished. After a quick sprint I arrive to be informed that a thick bodied olive colored snake with a bright yellow underside fled to the water, actually I had to pry out this description, and had fled upon discovery. I was afraid of this that the odds of even this skilled snake catcher being johny on the spot on an acreage the size of a cow pasture were slim to none and that the thing feared the most by my client, namely an actor or crew being the first to discover a reptile, was going to be the case. So I did my best acting job of searching for the beastie but unltimately had to repeat my platitudes of not likely a venomous species and tentatively ID the suspect as a Red Bellied Water snake. After what seemed like all day watching the same set of extras play football, walk around and hear the same lines repeated over and over we got to go back to the trees and stare at the scout again. This time we got a nice reaction when the snake was found by an actor, sadly this poor little Brown Dekay snake (in a state of decay) had met the scout a day or two earlier. Shortly after this I did get to play the hero when I chased a lovely little Five Lined Skink into a tree knot so our hero the british male lead wouldn't have to keep repeating "I hate Fing lizards". I couldn't convince that in fact he had not seen a lizard, I guess they don't teach the differences between skinks and lizards in England.

This was the first two days of what turned out to be seven days total and there was a a change of location and my services weren't need so I'll take a break until they need me again.

Sorry to disagree with ye, old chap, but St. Louis lays claim to Tennessee Williams, who, like Truman Capote, was crazy as a bedbug. Put Flannery O'Connor on the list, tho. And Harper Lee did write the most important, wonderful novel of the 20th century.
In my limited contacts with the subspecies known as Actors, I've found them to be hilariously narcissistic, unfailingly demanding, superstitous and amazingly shallow; comparable in many ways to an Amazon Parrot.

So does that mean Mr. Williams was not happy with Missouri or Georgia? I think Wisconsin Williams has a better ring to it.

Rick, you can tell Verron that you still can't have my Walking Dead account. lol
I'm sitting inside today, due to all this rain, watching this Walking Dead marathon on AMC.

Hmmm. I hadn't thought about that.

They've started doing a lot of filming this and that here in North Carolina. Maybe I ought to mosey out to the set and see if they need a good critter man.

It could be a fun business for me.

I wish you hadn't gone and put into print on the internet where people from up north can read that the south is anything but a wriggling mass of poisonous snakes. At least say that we used to have snakes until the ticks ate them. Or better yet, they've all been killed by crazed southern rednecks, full of bad moonshine, and loaded down with an arsenal of weapons looking for skins for their Hank Williams Jr. style cowboy hats.