Henny Youngman (for us older gents) and Rodney were the king of one-liners. Here's a few:

"I went to a rough school. Each day when you went, they checked you for weapons and gave you one if you didn't have one."

"I joined a health club with a sign that said, if you don't look better in 10 days, we'll give you your money back. I handed her a check and she said I might as well keep it, we're gonna be mailing it back anyway."

"When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my dad used to take me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade."

"My folks ran a diner growing up. The food was so bad, they hung a sign on the door that said, "Sorry, we're open."

"When I was a kid and played in the sandbox, our cat kept trying to cover me up."

"I told my psychologist, everyone hates me! He said that was ridiculous! Everyone hasn't met you."

" I went to my doctor who told me I was fat. I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, OK, and you're ugly too!"

"All the way to age 15, I always thought my name was "While you're up."

"When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot. But, I always found them."

Hey baby, you want to make 17 dollars the hard way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Many years ago, my wife and I were in Las Vegas. We saw Henny Youngman. He was in his 80s at the time.
He said, "The other night I'm standing on the corner.

A prostitute came up to me and says, "For $100 I'll do anything you want."

I says, "OK. Paint my house!"

He was going in the hospital for a serious operation. small press conference he said

If all goes well I will be out of the hospital in a couple of weeks.
If things dont go well I will be out tomorrow.

He was out the following day

The grave yard is that way. 1980 cady shack

Take my wife

Please!

My wife’s such a bad cook, now tell me the truth, does toast have bones?
My wife’s such a bad cook, all the flys chipped in to get the screen door fixed.
And she’s so slow, it takes her an hr and a half, to watch 60 minutes.
RIP sir Rodney!!!!

I'd forgotten how funny ol' Rodney was. Now I'll have to find some old video.

Love his movies, his death was a great loss to the comedic world.

Loved old Rodney and Henny Youngman. that was real comedy, not like the crap most are today.

Garry-

"So I called up this girl... She said, come on over there's nobody home... I went over... There was nobody home"

Mike

I could tell that my parents hated me my bath toys where a toaster and a radio.

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."

Those are great. The screen door one is funny stuff!!

What, are you kidding me! I know my wife is cheating on me, why everytime I come home, the parrot says quick! Out the window! Lol

When my daughter was at UCLA medical she was his nurse. She said him and his family were the nicest people. She got an invitation to his funeral , it had the signature red tie on it.