I wrote this story after tell some friends about the various times in my life I avoided the Grim Reapers scythe. I hope you enjoy and get a bit of a giggle - Mike

Archangel Gabriel was walking the halls of Heaven and decided to stop in and see St. Peter up in the Guardian Angel department. As he walked into the Guardian Angel Department St. Peters assistant Jean told him to go right on in. As he walked into St. Peters office, he could see St. Peter running his temples and heard his deep sigh. “Everything ok Pete?” he asked. “Huh? Oh yeah Gabe, everything’s fine, I am just having trouble with assigning this one fellow a GA (Guardian Angel)” St. Peter said. Gabriel looked at the pile of files on St. Peters desk about the thickness of a decent phone book (back when they used them down the Gabriel thought).
“So which file is his?” Gabriel asked. “This one is his” said St. Peter, as he tapped the phonebook of file. “That’s all his file?” asked Gabriel incredulously. ” Yeah” said ST. Peter “and that’s the problem, this fellow has well had an interesting and adventurous life to say the least.” Gabriel asked “What is he a stuntman? A secret agent? Law Enforcement? Drug dealer? (with distaste on the last question). “No, no, nothing of the sort, actually he’s a Computer Technician that collect old books” said St Peter with a sad chuckle. “He’s just well been through a great deal in life, which has been let’s see (as he flipped through the file) is just past 50 years” he said as he dropped the file back on the desk. “He doesn’t sound like he’d eb all that difficult to take care of: stated Gabriel.
Gabriel picked up the file and started to flip through it. “Was given up for dead at birth by the Dr.’s as they had no heartbeat for 3 days. They had informed the father and the Maternal Grandmother but not the mother. Born with no complications?” Gabriel read and shook his head. “Burned up a GA right out of the gate, left him very weak due to the size of the save, when they rescue their ward from certain death they get retired early. This guy has his own wing at the GA retirement home. Keep reading it gets better and more striking,” said St Peter.
“Six months old, fell off table onto marble floor on head, father had to use spoon to pull tongue out of the throat. Age three hospitalized for croup, in critical car in oxygen tent. Another child in the room passed on, client fully recovered. Age four had severe pneumonia and again at age six, fully recovered, aged 5 hit head on car bumper while riding a BigWheel down a steep hill, severe concussion, no ill effect.” Gabriel shook his head as he read. “How many GA’s did he go through during that time?” he asked. “Just one, said St Peter, no certain death just close brushes with it, after so many brushes the GA powers are used up.” “I see, so this guy burned up two GA right off the bat and now no one wants to get saddled with him due to burn out and the risk of disability” said Gabriel confidently.
“Keep reading,” said Pete, “there is so much more to read.” Gabe kept on reading, sitting down in a comfortable chair in the corner of the office. Pete smiled at Gabe knowing the contents of the file, and hit the intercom “Jean could you bring Gabe and I some ice tea and some of these amazing cookie you make?” he asked. “Just a minute” came back her sweet kind voice. Pete smiled; he knew he had the best assistant and had since 2008 when she came up.
Gabriel hardly looked up as Jean brought in the ice tea (slushy in iced glasses) and some chocolate chip cookies. Pete sat back at his desk and looked over some files in a black folder with a scythe on the cover.
“So this guy, has Scarlett Fever, almost drowned, then fell 20 feet out of a tree on his head by the age of thirteen and didn’t suffer any ill effects?” Gabe asked Pete. Pete merely nodded his head with a smile. “So, it makes sense now why no one wants him,” said Gabe. “Well, he only used up one GA during that span as his Dad jumped in to save he and his brother from drowning” said Pete. Gabe realized he wasn’t quite halfway through the file and wondered what more was to come.
The intercom crackled and Jeans voice broke through “Sir Brother King is here for his assignment.” “Pete replied “Thank you Jean please send him in.” A tall well-proportioned man walked in and stood in front of St Peters desk. “Brother King, we have proposal for you. We have a certain client that would allow you to retire early with full benefits, after 10 years” said St. Peter with a smile. “Uhmm who is it?” asked Brother King. St. Peter pointed out Gabriel reading the file. Once he read the name on the file brother King started yelling “OHHH nooo, no way this is bull* (thunder boomed). You can’t make me do it! This is total BULL (Louder thunder). I want my Union rep! I want my Union rep!” As he was stomping and storming around the office the door burst open, and Archangel Michael stood there with his flaming sword looking like he was expecting a horde of demons. “For Pete’s sake!” cried Gabriel “Mike were fine and put that thing out) pointing at the flaming sword)!” Michael looked a bit embarrassed, and his sword went dark with a soft *pop*. “Sorry, sorry, my mistake” he said as he backed out the door.
“Brother King, please sit down. We don't force anyone to do anything they don't want to; we’re based on the idea of free choice. We have an alternate client that you could choose to be assigned to,” said St Peter. Bother King sat down and looked at St Peter eagerly. “Well, we have a boy about to be born into a high wire walking family. The problem is that he will be born with bad depth perception, so he will be in constant peril,” St Peter stated. “Ok, Ok he sounds good, I’ll take him” said Brother King. St Peter stamped the file, put it into the folder and handed it to Brother King. “Give this to Jean on your way out and she’ll take care of the rest” St Peter said dejectedly.
Gabriel smiled at St Peter and continued to read the phonebookesque file. It seemed he had a normal teenage years, though he saw several very close calls with alcohol poisoning. “He was in a car wreck and the engine block ended up where he was sitting, yet he escaped with just a few broken ribs? Then he was in two other accidents that totaled the cars, but he got out with just a concussion, and still had no effects? Gabriel asked. “Yep, he used up, let me see three GA’s in that span, through burnout and taking early disability” St Peter stated with a sigh.
“Sir, we have another probie out her ready to get assigned” Jean’s sweet calms voice came through the intercom. “OK Jean just give me a moment” said St Peter, as he flipped through the file that appeared on his desk. “What’s a probie Pete?” sked Gabriel. “Huh? Oh, a probie is a “Probationary Guardian Angel” who is assigned harder clients to make up for some of the “mistakes” they made while alive. Or they ascended under less than stelar circumstances and need to work a bit harder than normal to reach the ranks of True Guardians” stated St. Peter.
“Ok Jean send her in” St Peter spoke into the intercom. A pleasant meek looking lady walked into the room with her eyes down. “Sister Jones, welcome we are going to offer you a chance to retire early and achieve full GA status once you take on the assignment,” said St Peter. “Yes Sir, whoo, whoo do I have to protect?” Sister Jones sort of stammered. “Well” said St Peter “your assignment is a computer technician who collects books.” “Oh that’s good, I was expecting” she said, then her eyes flashed toward Gabriel and the giant file and she turned a very sickly green color and looked as though she would vomit. “Are you OK Sister Jones?” asked St Peter. “Uhmm uhmm’ she stammered and pointed at the file om Gabriel’s hand. “Is that my assignment? In that file?” she asked. “Well yes it is” said St Peter. “I, I don’t think I can handle that assignment Sir. I have heard about that guy and how many GA’s he has gone through or sent to disability. I, I don't think I can do it” Sister jones said meekly on the verge of crying. “Its ok Sister Jones” said St Peter patting her shoulder. “We have this other case that you can have. A nice little Japanese girl is about to be born. Her family has great genetics for longevity and most of her ancestors live for 100 or more years, she may reach 120 years” said St Peter gently. “Yes, oh yes I would love to take her on, that sounds like more my speed Sir” said Sister Jones with great relief. “OK then” said St Peter as he stamped her file, “Take this out to Jean and she’ll give you the files. If you still feel rattled ask her to make you a cup of her famous hot cocoa, it will fix you right up.” Said St Peter with a bit of relief.
Gabriel continued to peruse the file. Let’s see age 18 he and his brother were rafting in the crick by their home, he decided to see how deep a particular pool was. It was far deeper than he thought and as he swam towards the surface he ran out of air. He blacked near the surface and his GA had to help his brother pull him out if the crick as he was drowning. His brother cursed him soundly, wow it is all redacted, so it had to be bad. He coughed up a good bit of water and wondered how his little skinny brother had ripped him bodily form the crick and onto the raft, His brother actually didn’t save him all alone, the GA at the time extended his reach and his strength, burning through his own powers and taking early disability. The clients second near drowning and this one was actually a drowning and just saved in the nick of time.
Next year, he and some friends were drinking “Jungle Juice” a mix of vodka and lemonade under a bridge down by the park. As usual he overindulged in the drink trying to fight various inner demons of emotion, depression, anxiety, fear, loneliness etc. (As Gabriel read what was causing this persons assortment of mental and emotional matters he wondered how someone so young had dealt with it all without breaking.) He read farther into the file, as the night progress the client passed out and toppled over backwards (where were his friends to see him and prevent this, he wondered) and fall an estimated 15 feet headfirst onto the rock below. Wincing Gabriel read the report “Client suffered dual broken collarbones a sprained neck”. Without asking Gabriel knew that this near miss from GR (The Grim Reaper) has surely burned up another GA.
Then it looked like things settled down and the client has a mostly normal life with a few bouts of alcohol poisoning that likely didn’t help his GA out, but also didn’t disable them either. “This fellow has sure led an adventurous life” Gabriel stated to St Peter. “Yes he has, hence the difficulty in assigning him a new GA, no one wants the job due to difficulty and possibility of disability” St. Peter said with a small sigh.
“Sir, we have the last Probie for the day” came Jeans voice over the intercom. “Ok, Jean send him in,” said St Peter. As the door opened a folder appeared on the desk. In walked a tall athletic man, looking eager and ready to go, glancing around nervously at Gabriel and St Peter. “Good evening, Brother Jackson, I hope you’re the man we’ve been looking for” St. Peter said with a smile. “Yessir I hope I’m your man as well” Brother Jackson said with a nervous smile. “Well, you know as a Probationary Guardian Angel you need to make up for some of your earthbound troubles and means of ascension. That being said this client enables you to be moved immediately to full GA status and early retirement in just 10 years” St Peter said with a big smile.
“Ok, Ok that sounds great” said Brother Jackson “Who is this person?” he asked. Then he glanced at the file in Gabriel’s hand. As he read the file his normally dark complexion went a few degree paler. “Wait a minute, wait just a minute, I heard of that dude! There no way I am taking that Mother (deep thunder rumbles)…! No way, now how, that Mother (lighting flashes and thunder rolls again)… is cursed. Everyone who has even been assigned either used up all their power, took disability or quit” said Brother Jackson (None ever actually quit thought St Peter they never had time.) Brother Jackson was pacing up and down the office waving his hands in the air and muttering to himself. Gabriel glanced at St peter who just threw his hand up in the air.
“We do have another client that you could have Brother Jackson. However you would have to do 10 years to reach full Guardian Status and you would have to put in the entire lifetime of the client” said St Peter. “Dat sounds good to me Pete” said Brother Jackson. St Peter gave him a withering look and he cast his eyes down. St Peter huffed and said “Your client is about to be born to one of the few existing Bushman tribes in the Kalahari. You’ll be responsible for making sure he doesn’t die at childbirth, die from hunger, get bitten by any poisonous snakes, scorpions etc. Make sure he isn’t eaten by lions, leopards, or hyenas.” Brother Jackson shuffled his feet a bit a bit but didn’t look up. St Peter continued “Oh yea you’ll also have to make sure he doesn’t die of thirst, pr get stomped to death by an elephant, buffalo, or rhino. You should be kept quite busy for 80 or 90 years.” Brother Jackson never even looked up. “Do you accept this assignment?” St Peter asked. “Yes Sir, St Peter” Brother Jackson replied. “Fine, fine, take this folder to Jean and she’ll do the rest,” said St Peter. Brother Jackson took the file and quickly left the office.
Gabriel continued reading the file he had, nothing major of note till 1997 then all HE.., heck broke loose. Car accident on the night of his 25th birthday. As he read through the notes he was sure that old GR had been rubbing his hands together in anticipation. Truck hit a tree, client snapped the steering wheel off the column with his skull, bounced off the windshield and was found shortly afterwards by an old friend who quickly called the ambulance.
Injuries sustained in the accident, broken upper jaw, broken lower jaw, broken palate, crushed nose, disintegrated left eye socket, severe head trauma, double concussion, fractured skull and oh yes, a cut on the knee (caused by the truck key). His GA must have been working overtime that night thought Gabriel and quickly smiled realizing that old GR had to be quite upset that such a slam dunk was missed. GA took early retirement with permanent disability and a legion of merit for their outstanding service. Then some more emotional trauma due to his fiancé a breaking off the engagement soon after the accident. Gabriel thought this poor guy has been through the wringer. “Where are you at now?” asked St Peter. “1997,” said Gabriel “just read about his accident and all those injuries.” “Wait there’s more” said St Peter with a smirk. More? Thought Gabriel as he continued reading. A few months after the car accident and those injuries he was in a house fire and somehow avoided the GR there as well, though while making leaping down the stairs to make sure to get his siter out of the house he blew out the screen that had been implanted in his damaged left eye when he crashed bodily through the door at the bottom of the stairs. He saw that GA got a notation on their record for duty above and beyond but stayed on for another 20 years. “Wow,” said Gabriel. “There’s still a good bit more to read” said St Peter.
Gabriel just shook his head as he ploughed through the file. Nothing really seemed to be all that bad just relationship issues and some minor health issues, then he saw it 2017 in bright red numbers.
St Peter was going through the files on his desk and just glancing up now and then at Gabriel. Gabriel nodded holding up the folder indicating that he found what St. Peter had been talking about. 2017, October 8th, client was working on brick chimney, it fell to pieces causing him to fall 30 feet from a ladder, hit the edge of the roof, bounce to the ground and then was hit by all the bricks from the chimney. He suffered a shattered acetabulum, a broken femur, 3 broken vertebrae in his back, as well as a crushed sacral nerve complex (controlling the leg from knee down). Gabriel sees a complaint file by the GR on this case as the client not on survived but despite the Dr’s claims he would need a walker or at the very least crutches for life, he now walks without even a cane, though he does have a limp. Gabriel notices another legion or merit for the GA that saved the client on that day. The GA also took an early retirement with full pension since he used up all his power to save the client. Gabriel just shook his head and looked at St Peter. “Pete is this guy half cat?” asked Gabriel “It just doesn’t seem possible or probable that an average person should have come that close to ascension so many times and not had the GR cut the lifeline.” “I know,” said St Peter “obviously the Boss still has some plans for this fella. Mine is not to reason why” he said dryly. “Oh by the way there is still more” said St Peter.
Gabriel looked at St Peter dumbfounded, St Peter nodded, so Gabriel read a bit more. Six weeks after the fall and the injuries the client experiences a stroke. What the h… heck? Thought Gabriel. “He avoided the big GR yet again?” asked Gabriel. “Yes, he did,” said St Peter and GR was not happy about it at all, you might even say he was depressed. “Well, I can see why no one want the job and even the benefits you are offering aren’t incentive enough to take this client,” said Gabriel. St Peter just interlaced his fingers and nodded and leaned back in his chair.
“Sir I have a pair pf Probies out her that want the job you’ve been trying to assign” came jeans voice over the intercom. St Peter looked puzzled, “I thought we were done for the day” St Peter replied to Jean. “Yes dear, er Sir, but these two just showed up, apparently the overheard the case in the breakroom and want to apply for the job” Jean said. “Who are these Probies?” St Peter asked. Instantly two files appeared on his desk, as he looked through the files, he harummphed, “These two! What makes them think they are up to the job? They both had very poor methods of ascension as well as lots of questionable life choices” St Peter muttered. Gabriel raised an eyebrow wondering what Pete was going on about. “Send them in one at a time and I’ll see what I can do” St Peter spoke into the intercom. “They want to apply for the job together Sir” replied Jean. “Hmmm that's not the normal way, but maybe that’s just what this client needs. Send them in Jean” St Peter spoke into the intercom.

The door opened and in walked two angels with grubby halos and mischievous yet warm grins. The one angel was tall, thin with a long ponytail, the other angel was only a bit shorter and husky. “Well boys, you both know you’re on sever probation for your means of ascension,” said St Peter. “Yes sir” they both said softly as they soft of shuffled their feet and cast their eyes to the ground. “Well, this client has had some difficulties and has gone through a couple of other GA. (Gabriel raised an eyebrow at that. A couple he thought, Pete better watch the lying LOL). Usually, we offer incentives for clients like this, however since you two have had less than stellar ascensions we cannot offer you anything other than the usual. 10 years to get full GA status and you have to stay with client till they ascend according to the Boss’s plan,” said St Peter. “Yes sir, we understand, we heard a lot about this guy and know its not going to be easy” the Probies said together.
Gabriel after reading the entire file had to speak up, “Boys this is an extremely difficult case and it will be a great deal of weight to carry,” he said. The tall angel looked at Gabriel with misty eyes and said “ He ain’t Heavy” then the husky angel spoke in a half choked voice “he’s out brother. Then they spoke together proudly “And, we promise to look after and protect him, as he once tried to protect us” they said as they wiped their eyes.
St Peter smiled broadly and stamped their files. “Here you go boys, I have a feeling you will do a great job” he said as he handed them the files. “Give these to Jean and she will get you on his detail ASAP. Just in time as its about to be his busy season and he will eb climbing ladders and going up on roofs again” St Peter said. As they were leaving the office he heard the husky angel say “that big dummy” to the tall angel and they both giggled. St Peter overheard Jean saying “Oh that’s wonderful” over and over.
“Do you think they will be able to pull it off Pete?” asked Gabriel. St Peter smiled like a Cheshire cat and said, “If anyone can pull it off, it will be those two.” “Well, that was interesting reading for sure. I never knew we had clients like that, and I thought GA’s were assigned for life” said Gabriel. “One GA for life is the usual amount, though some people get more, like Evil Kenievel, Rasputin and a few other” said St Peter.
As Gabriel placed the folder on the desk with a hearty “thump”, he saw the black folder with the silver scythe on the cover. “Whats that?” he asked pointing at the folder. “Oh, that's the Grim Reapers folder of expense reports for all the nicks this client put in his blades and the blades that broke when he has tried to cut this particular client’s lifeline and had to be replaced or repaired and resharpened and the cost of his therapy’ St Peter said.
Gabriel nodded and looked like that seemed reasonable. St Peter chuckled as he read the last therapist report. “Something funny Pete?” asked Gabriel. “Well, yes and no. GR told his therapist the next time this clients name comes up on his list for harvesting, he’s going to put in his two weeks’ notice” said St Peter with s grin.

Jean is modeled after MomMom DiSalvo, the thin PA is my brother Matthew, the husky PA is one of my best friends and Matthews best friend Charlie Bowers, and the Grim Reaper talking about putting in his two weeks notice was a comment my cousin Adriane made about me being 50 and only 49 brushes with death.