My wife is so buck toothed she can eat peanuts out of a soda bottle.
My wife is so slow, she has to speed up to stop! Once I had to set stakes to see if she was moving.

As a kid I was so ugly when I cried the tears ran down the back of my head.
As a kid I was so ugly I had to sneak up on a glass of water.
As a kid I was so ugly they had to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

Nice!

We were so poor when I was a kid, it was a good thing I was born a boy or I'd wouldn't have had anything to play with..

“My wife was afraid of the dark…then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.” –

“I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.”

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.”

“It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.”

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”

“With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.”

“My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.”

“I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.”

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”

“My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.”

“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”

“I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”

“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

WS

The last time I seen a mouth like that it had a hook in it

Our family has a new eating habit. My wife got a pressure cooker, now we eat off the ceiling.

I had a girl friend so skinny, she had to run around in the shower to get wet.

My girl friend was so skinny she had to wear snowshoes in the shower to keep from falling down the drain.

My girl friend was so skinny, she could disappear by turning sideways.

He had some real good ones

keep 'um coming

Thanks for posting. “Easy Money”

Hey Doc...what can you do for my yellow teeth....wear a brown neck tie

Thanks guys i forgot what real comedy was till now

My school was tough. The teacher asked what comes after a sentence. The student said an appeal.

When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.

I have no sex life. My wife cut me down to once a week. Im lucky though, two guys she cut out completely.

Don't give me a vacation for being political please. "I don't get no respect, the way my luck is running if I was a politician I'd be honest."

"I'm getting so old the insurance company sends me half a calendar,"

"I was so ugly my mom fed me with a slingshot."