Been in your position a couple times. The first time was a huge learning curve and a lot I wish I would have done sooner. First thing for you to understand is they are making a comparison of that individual to a group of people that had similar cases - age, symptoms, cancer type, spread,..... Based on that info, the forecast of remaining life is ONLY a guess based on those factors. Some will expire faster and some will live longer. Quality of life will vary a lot also. Some deal with treatment much better than others.

Have very open and candid conversations. Don't be vague and beat around the bush, be direct. Everyone deals with that kind of news in their own way and in their own time. But the more direct you are will help them come to reality of the situation sooner and understand you're not being a cold hearted (This word is unacceptable on Trapperman), but helping as a friend.

Prioritize what needs to be done and prepared for. End of life documents/Will, POA Medical, and POA Financial. Who is going to take care of what??? Ask the hard questions and document every account, line of credit, property deed, and so on. It doesn't need to be an overly complicated thing. I just used a spiral notebook and started the list. When bills came in or something came up in conversation I just kept adding to it. I can not emphasize enough how much this helped when the dreaded day cam that we had to go through the process and send all the death certificates out and change account names. Some estates are easy, some are much more complicated. The more its documented, the easier it is and relieves a lot of burden on the back end. Worst thing to happen is they live longer and they have all their EOL docs in place. BTW - The biggest thing over-looked is sending death certificates to the big three credit bureaus with a "Notice of death - do not approve credit" - that prevents a huge amount of identity theft.

A phrase I tell many younger people is "leave NOTHING un-said". Have those conversations, be the friend you are. If they want to talk, listen. If you think of something, ASK!!. Some of the biggest regrets you hear of is "I wish I would have asked this or they told me that.." Make that a mission to talk about everything. Leave nothing on the table. Coach the kids to do the same. I am so lucky with doing in home hospice for my father. I moved in full time and when then they thought he was maybe 60-90 days and here we are almost a year later and he's been eligible for hospice for the last 4-1/2 years. So I've had the opportunity that most never get - extended time to have those conversations.

Listen - don't assume. What does he want? Last fishing trip or hunting at a special place, to see his children accomplish something, simply the solitude of know his wife and kids have someone to help when he's gone. My dad hadn't traveled since he was in the airforce (SAC) back in the 60's. Though he traveled air base to base across the country, he never set foot in a National Park. Countless hours of watching National Geographic shows and all the scenery pics of my hunting all across the USA. Well, opportunity came up and my Brother in law and I surprised him with a road trip. Rocky mountain National park in October with the Elk in rut. We ventured out a couple more day trips and got him through the Black Hill, Big Horn, and more. That was 5 years ago and he still talks about it. Its awesome when he sees those places on TV and yells to me to come and look and simply says "we were there".

Final note, toughen up mentally. If its a long haul and they sense a loss of control, weird crap begins to happen - but its typical. When people are dying and control is nearly gone they aggressively can attack love ones and friends and try to control the few things that they can. Often that's money. Accusations can and will be made about stealing money, love ones being control freaks, and that list goes on and on. Its hard when you do everything day after day for their best interest then they accuse you of stealing from them. "Hard" can be and understatement. You just have to understand their state of mind. Kemo ate my mother's mind. Couple years before she passed her mind was nearly gone. The most common things became the most difficult to do - operating TV remote, dialing a phone, playing games/cards. For most that came around for a while, I could see how difficult it was for them to interact with my Mother. Its not easy.


The fact that you are reaching out and getting insight to what to do, what to expect speaks volumes. Be the friend you are and when the tough times come, always know you have memories that no one can ever take away. If you ever need to talk, reach out to me!

I personally have a plan if this would be my fate.
I would not tell a soul about it and continue my life as normal until I could feel my time was short
I would just leave without a word to anyone not even a note left behind just a set of numbers.
I would live my last days out in the wilds of a place I have longed to visit all my life
I love my family too much to have them go through my suffering with me

The last walk, as it was meant to be

This^^

Say you found out you have around 8-18 months left to live maybe the doctors can get 24 or even 30 months but it is all buying time as they put it.

it's cancer , stage 4

no this is not me but it is someone close to me.

this person is 46 , has a spouse and 3 kids all in college.

what are You Doing if this was you ?

Been in your position a couple times. The first time was a huge learning curve and a lot I wish I would have done sooner. First thing for you to understand is they are making a comparison of that individual to a group of people that had similar cases - age, symptoms, cancer type, spread,..... Based on that info, the forecast of remaining life is ONLY a guess based on those factors. Some will expire faster and some will live longer. Quality of life will vary a lot also. Some deal with treatment much better than others.

Have very open and candid conversations. Don't be vague and beat around the bush, be direct. Everyone deals with that kind of news in their own way and in their own time. But the more direct you are will help them come to reality of the situation sooner and understand you're not being a cold hearted (This word is unacceptable on Trapperman), but helping as a friend.

Prioritize what needs to be done and prepared for. End of life documents/Will, POA Medical, and POA Financial. Who is going to take care of what??? Ask the hard questions and document every account, line of credit, property deed, and so on. It doesn't need to be an overly complicated thing. I just used a spiral notebook and started the list. When bills came in or something came up in conversation I just kept adding to it. I can not emphasize enough how much this helped when the dreaded day cam that we had to go through the process and send all the death certificates out and change account names. Some estates are easy, some are much more complicated. The more its documented, the easier it is and relieves a lot of burden on the back end. Worst thing to happen is they live longer and they have all their EOL docs in place. BTW - The biggest thing over-looked is sending death certificates to the big three credit bureaus with a "Notice of death - do not approve credit" - that prevents a huge amount of identity theft.

A phrase I tell many younger people is "leave NOTHING un-said". Have those conversations, be the friend you are. If they want to talk, listen. If you think of something, ASK!!. Some of the biggest regrets you hear of is "I wish I would have asked this or they told me that.." Make that a mission to talk about everything. Leave nothing on the table. Coach the kids to do the same. I am so lucky with doing in home hospice for my father. I moved in full time and when then they thought he was maybe 60-90 days and here we are almost a year later and he's been eligible for hospice for the last 4-1/2 years. So I've had the opportunity that most never get - extended time to have those conversations.

Listen - don't assume. What does he want? Last fishing trip or hunting at a special place, to see his children accomplish something, simply the solitude of know his wife and kids have someone to help when he's gone. My dad hadn't traveled since he was in the airforce (SAC) back in the 60's. Though he traveled air base to base across the country, he never set foot in a National Park. Countless hours of watching National Geographic shows and all the scenery pics of my hunting all across the USA. Well, opportunity came up and my Brother in law and I surprised him with a road trip. Rocky mountain National park in October with the Elk in rut. We ventured out a couple more day trips and got him through the Black Hill, Big Horn, and more. That was 5 years ago and he still talks about it. Its awesome when he sees those places on TV and yells to me to come and look and simply says "we were there".

Final note, toughen up mentally. If its a long haul and they sense a loss of control, weird crap begins to happen - but its typical. When people are dying and control is nearly gone they aggressively can attack love ones and friends and try to control the few things that they can. Often that's money. Accusations can and will be made about stealing money, love ones being control freaks, and that list goes on and on. Its hard when you do everything day after day for their best interest then they accuse you of stealing from them. "Hard" can be and understatement. You just have to understand their state of mind. Kemo ate my mother's mind. Couple years before she passed her mind was nearly gone. The most common things became the most difficult to do - operating TV remote, dialing a phone, playing games/cards. For most that came around for a while, I could see how difficult it was for them to interact with my Mother. Its not easy.


The fact that you are reaching out and getting insight to what to do, what to expect speaks volumes. Be the friend you are and when the tough times come, always know you have memories that no one can ever take away. If you ever need to talk, reach out to me!

Wow! I wish I would have had this a couple of years ago. My b-i-l passed leaving my sister with a nightmare. He was told he had 1 year left and frankly did nothing to help her to get things in order. Vehicles in his name only, pay pal account in his name only along with a couple of credit cards and a phone she couldn't access. Every time she would question about things he would get upset and holler at her to shut up. He had a large collection of tractors and assorted things that only he knew the values of. Many of his contacts were of other collectors that were locked in his phone. Every time she turned around someone was telling her they couldn't help due to hippa, and she had to get an attorney involved. So many sleepless nights that could have been avoided with just a little cooperation.

Great reply Randy.

WS

Wow! I wish I would have had this a couple of years ago. My b-i-l passed leaving my sister with a nightmare. He was told he had 1 year left and frankly did nothing to help her to get things in order. Vehicles in his name only, pay pal account in his name only along with a couple of credit cards and a phone she couldn't access. Every time she would question about things he would get upset and holler at her to shut up. He had a large collection of tractors and assorted things that only he knew the values of. Many of his contacts were of other collectors that were locked in his phone. Every time she turned around someone was telling her they couldn't help due to hippa, and she had to get an attorney involved. So many sleepless nights that could have been avoided with just a little cooperation.

Great reply Randy.

WS