40 YRS Married in August 10
we didnt make it

Question She says no lawyers

But we're 4 days in on trying to be amicable- and its going south.

So should I get a lawyer?

Thanks in advance

Get a lawyer. Even if he/she is quietly advising you for now. You'll likely have tax and financial questions.

Sorry about the divorce.

I am sorry to hear that. Been there. It's hard.

I have a cousin that is a lawyer. She was married to a lawyer. They got divorced. She hired a lawyer, he didn’t. She said it was a big mistake on his part.

Too much time on Trapperman....and she feels ,left out ???

One has to go... ...TMAN for the Win !!!

Lawyer UP !!

Lawyer or no lawyer, don’t get hung up on stuff just because other side wants/likes it more. Deals get routinely stalled over the dumbest little things just because one side knows an item means more to the other side.

I usually say beer and/or whiskey helps everything. This is the exception, not a good time to increase your drinking, if your a drinker.

I heard it said once upon a time that "the man who represents himself in court (or divorce settlement in your case) has a fool for a client."

Don't be that guy; I'd get legal representation.

I'm twice divorced, both times I just let them have everything they wanted
Pull the bandaid off and walk away

Im truly sorry.

If you retain a lawyer she will find out. Its part of the record.

If you dont mind sharing, what does amicable look like?

Lawyers generally in this day and age are just shooting for what's required by statute and generally do conflict resolution.

Solid advice here.

I am sorry to hear that Scott. Get a lawyer. Do your best to keep your children and grand children out of it. It will mess them up. I got stuck mediating my parent's divorce. It was bad for me.

Keith

unfortunately yes lawyer , give them clear expectations of what you want and what you don't.


a real shame , hard to imaging you are a big enough A-hole to need to get away from you after she didn't see the need for 39 years.

that makes her what 60 at least what is her plan for the future that is so much better without you.

I mean maybe you have been 2 people living in the same house married but not really connected for 20 years and so she wants to try and start over before it is too late.

I have been taking a little look at the dating pool at 46 and thinking , shoot I miss my wife (she passed away from cancer didn't divorce me)

who knows , certainly not I but yes if amicable is going south , lawyer up.

For the sake of learning from your experience, how old were you?

get a lawyer.

ESPECIALLY, if she says don't get one.

too many horror stories (not personal ones, but...)

When I got divorced many years ago, it was a friendly split and we wanted one lawyer to handle everything. He declined, saying we each needed out own lawyer. Said it was best for the long run.

Get a lawyer and encourage her to get one as well.

Sorry about your situation.

A marriage is a legal contract, when a contract is broken it generally requires legal representation, even in a friendly situation.
Sorry to hear this Scott.

my one thought would be make one last offer , put the farm into a trust to leave it to the kids and grand kids , then divide savings and retirement accounts in half , she keeps her car. takes anything for housewares , furniture other stuff in the house and you help her with rent for 6 months at an apartment. if that isn't amicable where she leaves a legacy for her kids and grand kids in the land , then yup lawyer up

could play it the other way also she stays living in the house and you build a pole shed with an apartment for you to live in but the farm and buildings go into trust for the kids and grand kids.

depends does she want to move away or not

They rarely end well or else they wouldn't end. You each need to get a lawyer and be prepared to end up spending a bunch of money arguing over a vase that was given to you as a wedding gift that neither of you really wants.

This advise is spot on!

If everything was amicable, you would not be getting a divorce. The chance of you both agreeing to terms is slim and none. She has her ideas and you have yours and you both need representation handling your assets.

And the emotional toll on both of you and your family is another matter you both may need help with as well.

I'm sorry.

I tried to get divorced without a lawyer, it was a nightmare, ended up using a lawyer in the end but I got ran through the ringer in the meantime.

Sorry to hear this 330.

First of all, very sorry to hear this.

Over 50 years ago, my wife said she wanted a divorce and we separated. She said we could do it without a lawyer. About a month later I got divorce papers. Definitely get a lawyer and advise her to do the same. I'm guessing she will get the same advice.

Is it just a coincidence that Bruce is building an addition or is there something else going on here?

Sorry you're going through this, and yes, get a lawyer, in fact get a consultation with every divorce lawyer around you....that keeps her from using said lawyers....you have to think of it as a war, with appropriate strategy, yes, try to be amiable but have the plan ready, cause she will, more times than not, especially after she talks with her friends..

Best thing? So don't fight with her, both of you get the same lawyer, get everything on paper, and be done.

If you can't agree to and get everything on the paper yourselves then you both need lawyers. That takes more time and money.

Everyone hates the sleazy lawyer until they need one your life will change make sure you come out good enough to enjoy the rest of your life.

Are you in a no contest state? Anything of value you have that she doesn't have tabs on needs to disappear now.

Or you will give her half in mediation...Anything you owned before the marriage is pre-marital property and is yours, anything your family gave you is off limits unless you put her name on it, and might be still if you get the right attorney & judge.

Don't talk to her alone, don't be around her alone, get away from her asap....Don't text her, don't talk to her on the phone without knowing it's probably being recorded.

Retain the best attorney you can, but being a man they can only minimize, your not going to win, your going to survive.

Been there twice, and things are going good now, but it can all change tomorrow for anyone, anytime, anyplace...She's not your friend, she doesn't love you, and she will be a viscous bovine before this is over I promise you.

Goodluck brother, wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Congrats! You the only reason divorces are so expensive is because they’re worth it!

From personal experience get a lawyer and make sure it’s a good one.

Dang sorry for what you're going through Scott. Many of us have been there done that.

25 years ago my first wife and I split after 13 years and a child. I suggested we do it without attorneys and it did work out OK for us. For one, we weren't fighting over things since I had two houses on the farm I gave her the better one, agreed to finish paying off her car, etc etc. So she saw I was being generous. Joint custody of our child week on week off.

She had friends that were insisting she get a lawyer and go for blood but I think she saw I was being a good guy and she was getting a good deal on the split of our stuff.

Had a legal aide draw up the papers for cheap.

Get a lawyer.

It's cheaper to just sell e everything and split the $ more u argue over stuff the more the lawyers get of everything

I was 28 through until i was 31. It's got to be worse for younger children. I got stuck knowing every detail, going back and forth between them, to avoid using a lawyer.

Keith

Sorry to hear that. I did a DYI divorce on my 2nd wife. A few years later she got a new boyfriend and I ended up back in court with a lawyer. It's a pay me now or pay me later situation. Get a lawyer and dont let the lawyers get you to fighting.

Get a GOOD lawyer who has experience in divorces. Don't grab the first name in the book or someone that you know from your area. I have a friend that just went through this (settled this year). It's not pretty for him. His lawyer sucked big time. He he was from his small town area so I'm guessing that's why he went with him. Big mistake on his part IMO. He didn't fight for him at all.

He's 65 and gets to start over after his ex didn't work most of her life. He paid for their mobile home and 7 acres which he kept but he had to pay her out 60K which he had to borrow plus half his retirement. She got around 150K and he also gets to pay her $500 a month while he's working then it drops to $300 a month when he retires. He's a township patrolman and a great guy. Bends over backwards to help people and I don't know of anyone that doesn't like him other than his lying ex.

She's a real gem, 60 y/o been on disability for a few years even though there's nothing wrong with her. She can go on a 10 mile or longer bike ride and can sit in a car for hours driving everywhere but claims she has a bad knee and back. Unfortunately I know her as well and can't stand her. She's a master manipulator in getting sympathy. She lies like a rug. There's more to the story on her but I don't want to type all day and raise my blood pressure.

Don't screw around, GET A GOOD LAWYER!!!

It is cheaper to keep her.

You're absolutely correct. They get vicious quick!

Had a uncle get divorced back in the nineties his wife wanted out.so he asked her what do you want she told him how much money she wanted he had her write it down they both signed it plus 2 witnesses. Then she went got a lawyer and so did he.his lawyer told him that was the smartest thing he could of done to have her sign that piece of paper,even though they went after more money that piece of paper held up in court good luck.when lawyers get involved things can get messy,unfortunately most people need one.

That's a financial fact, but what's your peace of mind worth?

I know some who are doing that, it's sad.

So.....who wants the divorce ??

Sorry to hear. Do yourself a favor ... Get the attorney if for no other reason to have the paperwork done correctly, I s dotted, T s crossed.

Best advise my attorney told me ... If you two fight, I be the one getting all the money! So very true.

Whoever said this is war is spot on.

Get a lawyer, that doesn't mean you and her can't be amicable but you have to look out for your own interest. My ex didn't get one and I'm not ashamed to say she got hosed. I had to look out for mine and the children's interests.

Fortunately your children are grown up.

Sorry to here this Scott.

Sorry to hear, yes get a lawyer pronto. You want to serve her papers not the other way around.

good point...

Sorry to hear about your situation.

Minnesota is a no fault state when it comes to divorce. So it’s usually a 50/50 deal. Maybe you could get one lawyer for both of you to help work through the sticking points. You will basically be fighting over what you both know you have. I’ve gone through it twice and have not hired a lawyer for either and I did fine. Good luck.

I went through a divorce, never should have married someone like her but any way, We filled out our own papers but I still got a lawyer, made things real smooth and I didn't lose out any property. I say even if it seems there will be no problems, get a lawyer with you in court, if she does and you don't it could go badly for you

Here's the problem, If she's asking for the divorce, she's been thinking of it and planning it without you knowing, so your already behind and starting with a handicap......get the consultations , you'll know right away if she started without you......good luck.

Have an auction just between the two of u

Ur going to cause a cat fight on here

Anyone selling 50/50 tickets ..??

Paradise by the dashboard lights by Meatloaf comes to mind I often think of heading back to the Northwoods or Black Hills myself often. LOL

Sorry to hear Scott. Tell her that your sorry that she's not happy but your not going anywhere and your not signing anything. She's welcome to leave if she wants.

All my money was Used up last year when we paid off our House and land.

I talked to Three lawyers They all want $6,000 or more retainer.

Our small farm is valued at a bunch but All our Money is in Assets not Cash.

So Im kinda screwed...

That sucks.
Get a good divorce attorney.

Good luck Scott. It's too bad

I'd still get a lawyer. Take out a personal loan if you have to.

get the best in the area and talk to all the other good ones so she can't hire them. There is no such thing as a reasonable woman during a divorce..

Also backs up my stance on there is no benefit for a youn man geting married that our ways the risk. One look at the #'s is all it should take to see it. But thelat unfortunately the world we live in today.

If you think your screwed now, imagine how you will be when you lose it all and can't buy food. Get a lawyer! If you go with one lawyer for the whole deal, make sure you retain it. The lawyer is going to work for whoever buys it. You can still get along, and be amicable, but you have to cover yourself. I've had three friends divorce recently and two of them got the short end, until they retained an attorney late in the game. Sell something and get a divorce attorney!

Been through a divorce early in my life, was miserable then and probably still is for most later on !! We were together only 7 years it was quiet and great until the last year when she got lonely she said, told her find we divorce and start over, she never expected that, just had a baby boy the years before !

I got a lawyer due to her playing the field, she did not have any funding to get her own, I just gave her all her stuff and kept the home we had gotten and been in only 6 months, lawyer said sale and split, I said no way, I put everything into getting the home
she did nothing, told him to write it up, she kept playing around and tried to talk me back into the marriage, said nope I'm done and your gone. I ended up paying child support for a few years, until my new wife's car accident with a load of kids going to school, which changed that payment and both mine and my new wife's life !!

With out the lawyer I would have had to split the home sale, I kept the home she got her stuff and we went different directions still took three months, but she was not a very good fighter either ! She did try and take part of our settlement from the accident to help her, but instead brought her own suit against the company who caused it, and her and I had to work out a new visiting arrangement with the first son, was ugly then though !!

I would recommend a lawyer even if you both agreed to a settlement with out one, will not be as expensive if she sleeps things over and changes the ball park rules the next week !

Almost 40 years is a long time to hide bickering and stuff that goes it, sorry you both stayed together that long !!

There are so many unknowns I don't know how many dares not get a lawyer unless dead broke.

The farm is going to have to get sold.

Is there any retirement?

Vehicles?

Machinery?

Guns?

Unknown debt?

Did she work?

If not she may go after your social security and retirement

As long as you're taking advice from strangers on the internet...

Pay for a good counselor rather than a lawyer. 40 years is a long time, you could still make it...

I know a guy, mid 70s, married forever, just got divorced. She took off and has nothing to do with the kids or grandkids. He said she took him back to court over 20.00 and the judge said get out of here now.

Yep. Half of nothing is still nothing.

Sorry for what you are going through but for everyones sake get counsel if not it can get nasty real quick

The one my ex used was excellent! The one I used sucked and I paid for it.

Get the best attorney you can find. She is in no position to tell you no lawyers.

I know people who have gone through divorce and were sorry if they didn't have good legal representation and advice. It's clear that you don't know how your assets could be split to your advantage and how best to handle that.

Good luck!

Not With a 30 year Gambling problem

Mean, even for You.

… Swampwolf made me do it

I can think of a really good benefit to getting married.

Consummation of the marriage. I wasn't about to be celibate for life.




All y’all did wait until marriage to do that right? What with being Christian and all. None of that outside of marriage business.

My brother in law got divorced, he paid for HER lawyer, when they got done with him he ended up with nothing, and never recovered.

I'd dissappear some stuff ....ASAP

Sell her ring and get a lawyer

For sure get a lawyer. Who knows what kind of debt she has racked up that you don't know about.

Mine was a killer. She told me exactly how to do it and this is how it will turn out and it did

A guY at work always said which ever friend of yours got raked the most, hit his ex wife's lawyer

It's war Scott she made the decisions. You need to protect yourself, your assets and the legacy you will leave for your children

What the heck man? 40 years!!! Duct tape her and drop her off at Gamblers Anonymous and go back and pick her up in 30 days.

Should of keep them cows and make payment on the house she would of stayed .

40 years, what's the point now?

My mother served my father with divorce papers, she tried to get him to move out of the house for separation. His lawyer asked him if he wanted to stay in the house, he said yes, then the lawyer told him to stay, and he did. He didn't want a divorce. There were some fights but he stood his ground and they ended up staying married.

Will she admit to a judge that there's a gambling problem? Not that it would make a difference but..
I divorced after 40 years of being called a jackarse and arsehole daily. It just got old plus she let herself go and got fat.
She went online and did all the paperwork herself and we went to court without lawyers. I didn't contest her. She got the house and I got the shop, pickup, tools, camper. And guns.
As an afterthought she came back and wanted money for a farm I own with my 3 siblings. I said no, that's going to our Sons. Sorry.

Hate to hear that, y'all tried counseling?

Based on this thread. At least we can all agree. It’s always the woman’s fault and almost never the man’s


Till death do we part is what we vowed, and it’s what we meant.



Sorry you’re having trouble 330, hope it gets better for you.

(This word is unacceptable on Trapperman)! 20 years seemed to be the nick-break point a couple 3 decades ago for divorcé! A few years ago my oldest son got divorced after 30 years of marriage and now it’s 40 years???? There must be people nowadays that don’t mind getting a finger poked in their eye for decades and on the downhill side of the mountain before they figure out they F’ed-up!!!! What’s the point now in the twilight years????

Sorry to hear that 330.

Sorry to hear that.
It sounds like if funds aren't plentiful then your assets will have to be split or sold in order to get to that 50/50 or so. Have her buy you out and leave and head to Wyoming or you buy her out and stay on the place. Most likely would be sell the place and go your ways.
I wish you well I never have been through it but if I were too, I would find the very best divorce attorney you can find. He might take a cut from your selling the place and no retainer to get started.

Perfect advice. Seems every area has a well known attorney that always represents the wife and has a reputation for screwing over the husband. Talk to people, find out who it is (or maybe more then one) and that's your first call. You don't need to hire them but a consultation will shut the door to her.

We have newver divorced, but two of my brothers have and several of the farm business owners I worked with over a 40 year time frame did. As many stated get a lawyer and one with divorce experience. Frome what I found over the years was if both sides wanted amicable it was easier to do with a lawyer than w/o. Relationships are very personal and under stress even more so. The lawyer can look at the situation much with much less subjectivity and that may well be helpful. With cash being limited that means that non cash assets will probably need to be sold or borrowed against. Separations are about turning assets into cash.

Bryce

Thanks, Im trying to get one Now

I'll know at the bank tomorrow

I appreciate the advice from all.

There's blame to go around from us both.

We've always fought Verbally rough. A few hours later we tried to forgive and held hands while watching TV before Nighttime.

To say it best "Small cuts from 1,000 wounds" did us in.

No...SW didn't!

Savell....that was crude to blame me for something you posted & bring me into this.

I have intentionally NOT commented on this thread. I know what 330 is going thru. I've been down that rough road and its no fun. It was the most mentally distressed I've ever been in my life. God is the only reason I made it thru it. I never thought much about God or knew much about Jesus before my divorce, but I know for a fact they are the MAIN reason I'm still here today. For me, this was back in 1989-90. It changed my life.

This is an extremely personal situation in someone's life. I know 330 is just needing to talk about it and this is why he posted it on Tman. I feel your pain.

My only advice to 330 is to try and maintain yourself......mentally and physically. The trouble will pass...hold it together.

Prayers for you from me.

…. Everyone knows I’m full of crap Swamp lol

… but being a deputy I’ll try to act more professional going forward

… 330 … got to look at the bright side … the care free life of a bachelor won’t be too bad

… carry on

Most guys I know that did best during their divorce found the strength and made it to a gym and started working out. And especially important on the days they didn't even want to get out of bed. Someone to work out with helps keep you accountable for showing up when you would otherwise maybe stay home..

Physical activity is good for your mental health not just Physical.

The only advice I can offer based on mine is don't sell anything because it isn't yours. Everything is half hers at the moment and that can come back to haunt you WHEN (not if) things turn ugly.

Around here most lawyers won't touch a divorce. It takes a special kind because divorces usually get uncomfortable

"Uncomfortable"? They usually turn into a blood bath.

I say get a lawyer, a friend’s exwife video taped everything in the house including his guns before she filed, then when things went south the video tape came out and proved what was supposed to be in the house and it didn’t help him one bit, but if she has planned this she knows what’s there, also the lawyer can keep things civil when you can’t.

Im a sinner, Raised in the AG Church
Because of Rogue preachers Ive lost much of my belief in Organized Church
No matter what happens- I pray each night for God's forgiveness
I believe in Christ, the Holy spirit and God the Father.
If Christ can forgive a murderer hanging on the cross next to Him
I can be forgiven for my sins.
But right now Ive been using "cattle moving language " too much

I appreciate you Swamp,our resident former GW a lot.

Even Savell - just right now I cannot fight anymore angles - and humor is evasive.

Sincerely,Scott

If it hasn't all ready been said ONLY comunicate by text or email. For written proof. Good luck dude

Have our issues as well. Making better before bed does not make up it. Let me know if you need anything because I understand how it can happen.

Why are we all assuming here that it is his wife that wants the divorce? From what I have read, it sounds more to me like it was his idea, due to her gambling problem? Maybe I'm missing something all the rest of you are seeing....

Scott,
I wasn't raised in church.Never was exposed to the word of God or the Gospel of Jesus thru-out most of my life. What little I know I learned from reading the Bible. When I got to the New Testament and the words written in red......it was the most overwhelming thing I've ever experienced.

Prayer is powerful. I will continue to pray for you.

What God sees is not what man sees. Keep the faith!

I just assumed the wife initiated it but when I went back and re-read his posts it is unclear- not that it really matters at this point.

Amen Swamp!

Yep my buddies ex thought she was gonna get the house, but he bought it before they got married, and his parents helped with some money. Needless to say she was (This word is unacceptable on Trapperman) when the judge told her she had no claim to it.

Hate it for you 330, but definitely get a lawyer and the best one you can afford.

It's Both of us Now

Like I said, fight for 40 yrs and wounds don't heal.
We both had our issues

Sorry to hear about this.
It never ends as a happy situation .
I loved being married, but when I look back, I understand that I really loved my freedom more.
Best of wishes to you both.

Swamp, Thats was the Holy Ghost - Convictor and Comforter
The whole Trinity -3 in 1

I'll take your prayers -Thanks

Anything you say can and will be used against you, that includes online

Well don't beat yourself up over it then ....day at time , look forward to what's next ..... And Cow driving language ain't all bad once in awhile .


Prayers for peace and a sound mind

Yep. My initial thought to reply to this post was something about your wife putting up with you for 40 years, lol. I am still curious who suggested the divorce, but it's really not any of my business. I will say if it's what you both truly want than it's probably for the best. Not all divorces are hate-filled, although many are. My parents' was pretty fair, imo, and amicable.

From a woman's point of view, if amicable is what you are hoping for, then I'd get the lawyer as everyone recommends, BUT I'd let her know up front that you intend to get a lawyer.... not because you don't trust her (even if you don't) but because there's just so much about the process that you don't understand that you're not comfortable proceeding without one. If she thinks you're not getting a lawyer, then finds out that you did, that'll likely set her off on the warpath and you can kiss amicable goodbye. Just my $0.02.

Mine want one about every other month…..

Can you blame her?

I think I'd rather be married to you AND vinke than Scott if someone was holding a gun to my head, lol. Phew, thank God I dodged multiple bullets and married Pete instead....

I would rather be married to 160…..
Kidding Scott….. you are still a sexy beast..

Best off luck.
Maybe a legal separation?
Cheaper and no responsibility for gambling expenses.

Get a lawyer, and move on.
Best of luck to you

Thanks Yotetrapper ^^^

Good Advice